When Life Gives You Lemons...

Make an extremely strong rum and coke.

HOLY FUCKS!!
There is sooo much going on right now.
It is absolutely ridiculous.
And drinking seems like the right thing to do.
Or the only thing to make it all okay.
I'm not so sure what is.
I am sooooo lost.
Damn boys.
Damn them and messing with me.
I makes me so confused!
Grr.
So drinking it is!

Or possible hook ups in the near future...
Yikes.
Do I say yes or keep things simple...
Decisions decisions...

Need to drink more.
So if you will excuse me...
I am going to try to make sense of my life.
<3

SHUT THE FRONT DOOR

Well shit just got real.

Okay not really.

But fuck!!

It has been forever since I've posted anything.

Let's just say life has been pretty fucking busy.

I mean to the point where I wasn't sleeping.

And it is still that way.

Just more stressful.

It's finals time.

Joy.

Not.

Hence why I am 4 beers in on a Monday night.

It's been one of those days.

Fuck it has been one of those months!

I don't even know where to start.

Losing my best friend.

Turning 21.

Co-spirit chair of a statewide conference.

Learning my ex got his gf pregnant.

Country Thunder.

More gingers.

No money still.

Realizing my little sister is no longer little.

Getting thrown under the bus repeatedly.

Unappreciated repeatedly.

Getting the position of VP of Recruitment and Retention for NRHH.

Turning in my graduation application.

My truck still not working right.

Still no answers for joint pains.

And now...

Major blast from the past.

Guy from 2 years ago.

Had a huge thing for him then.

Still pretty damn sexy.

And then randomly messaging me.

WTF.

Need more beer for this shit.

I can't comprehend this.

So sudden.

Am I dreaming?

Someone pinch me.

IS THIS REAL LIFE!!

Tonight went from total shit to total yes!

I don't care if he just wants something from me.

Getting complimented like this is just what I needed.

It is nice :)

Now I guess back to reality...

I kinda sorta have a HUGE marketing project due tomorrow.

That I have yet to start.

I'm so smart haha.

I would just rather do anything but it.

Hope y'all have been doing good.

I think things might just be finally lookin' up for me :)

I'm on a boat!!

Okay not really.
Well not yet anyways haha.
1 day!!
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

Finally getting away from life.
Gettin' to escape reality.
Words cannot express how excited I am.
I wasn't until just now.
It all just hit me.
No computer.
No phone.
No drama.
No nothing.

OMG!
I cannot wait :)
I'm a little excited.
Can you tell?

My bags are packed.
Now I just need to be able to sleep...
Minor details haha.

This week has slowly turned around.
It started off shitty.
But after some apologies.
Things are better.
I hope they only get better.
I miss my friend.
A lot.
He doesn't realize it.
He probably won't.
But I still care.
Just givin' it time.
That's all I can do.
But I am not going to worry about it.
I've got other things to deal with.
Like all my joints hurting.
To the point I can't even walk up a flight of stairs.
Ridiculous!!
Hopefully the blood I got drawn today will give me some answers.
Crossing my fingers.

Well seeing that I have to get up early.
I think I am calling it a night.
Plus my eyes hurt.

See y'all on the flip side!
:)

Fudge Nuts

!@#$%^&*()))((&^$@!!@#$%^&*

That is how I feel right now.

Another day over.

Wasted.

Ugh.

I mean as time passes I'm learning more.

But still.

WHAT THE FUCK!??

Why.

Ignoring is not cool.

And even best friends.

Really?!

Don't do this.

Please.

No.

I am really worried about my uhh friend I guess.

I hope we are still friends at least.

I am going into stalker mode to find this kid.

We are talking tonight.

The end.

Whether he wants to or not.

He has to come home tonight.

Right?

He has classes tomorrow.

So I would think he would sleep in his own bed.

But who knows.

This weekend has been interesting from day one...

And not exactly in a good way.

I am just grateful I have other friends.

Otherwise this weekend would have sucked.

Silly life.

Always gotta be complicated.

Sigh.

Time to go eat a bagel.

Or something like that.

Pinterest perhaps.

Or find people.

Well Craptastic

Mother fucking people!
Excuse my french.
But wow.

Of all people...
I did not expect this.
Just wow.

It is one thing to blow me off.
And act like a total douche bag.
But lie too.
Wow.
Some "friend".

Hold on...
Let me restate somethings...
I understand shit happens.
Life isn't easy.
But should you let that get between you and "best friends"?
Throw away friendships?
And for what?
I just don't understand...

I'm not exactly hurt.
Hell I'm not hurt one bit.
I kind of figured it was all good to be true.
I'm just confused.
I just want to know what would make someone throw a friendship away.
An ex?
I mean really.............
Why can't I just read minds.
That would make things A LOT easier.
I really don't want to have an intervention.
But fuck.
It might just have to happen.
There are those people in your life that no matter what happens...
You still care about them.
And you still want the best for them.
And you will do anything for them.
But when they just throw it all away overnight...
It's hard to want to try and figure things out.
Especially when you are just thrown away like a piece of trash.
I know I deserve to be treated better than that!

Just poo.
But whatever.
Over it.
I'm not going to dwell on it.
Moving on.
What is done is done.

I've got real friends that still care to hang out with me.
And that's what matters :)

I hate this

I hate nights like tonight.

Nights where I can't get my mind to turn off.

I just keep thinking.

And thinking.

And thinking.

And thinking.

And over thinking EVERYTHING.

This just sucks.

I am physically exhausted.

I know I am.

I realized this afternoon I was sinking back to that bad place.

And it's not small.

I know I am falling back into depression.

And that alone sucks.

And knowing there is nothing I can do sucks even more.

I wish I could say I was past all that.

But I'm not.

I know I'm not.

When I wake up physically exhausted at 1 in the afternoon...

I know I'm not okay.

I know my limits.

I know it's never going to go away.

But I just wish for once my life would be on my side.

I hate having to take benedryl every night just so I can fall asleep for an hour.

I hate needing pain meds because I have a nonstop headache.

I hate this.

Why me.

Why.

Ugh.

It is now almost 2 am...

And I feel physically exhausted.

But I know I won't be able to sleep.

I keep trying to play the worst situations in my head.

So that whatever does happen this weekend isn't THAT bad.

It really sucks.

The whole pretending I am strong thing isn't working.

I am not as good as I use to be.

Hiding how I really feel.

I can't do this fake happiness thing.

It only seems to make me feel worse.

I was really unsure about spring break.

But as this week has gone on my thoughts have changed.

Words cannot express how I feel.

How grateful I am to spend a week with my family.

A week away from school.

A week away from friends.

A week away from drama.

A week of nothing but random strangers.

People who don't know me.

Don't know my problems.

People who know nothing.

A place to escape reality.

Pretend that everything is just fine and dandy.

I really cannot wait.

I know I will say I can't stand my parents at times.

But times like now are when I just want to hug my mom.

For her to tell me that everything will be okay.

Hug my dad and be reassured that I'm loved.

That is what I really need right now.

And that is what I will get if this weekend falls apart.

I hope it doesn't.

I really hope it doesn't.

I could use some happiness right now.

Some good laughs.

Real smiles.

Anything but how I feel now.

I Guess You Can't Always Win

Because today was epic failure.
Not only was the morning a rough start.
The whole day was just a drag.
Going to swim didn't happen.
Kinda pissed about that.
But woke up not feeling so hot.
So whatever.
And then the day just dragged on and on and on and on.
It sucked.

And having a 4 hour meeting...
That just blows.
On top of having another hour meeting afterwards.
I'm so done.

I don't even have the energy to say what's going through my head.
Well that and I don't even think I could put it all in words...
That's how confused and crazy everything is.

I'm just ready for spring break.
A week of nothingness.
Ha.
Who am I kidding.
I will be getting less sleep than I do now.
But either way.
It will still be relaxing.
And a much needed vacation.

For now my vacation is sleep.
Thank god!

Interesting

That pretty much sums up my weekend.

Stuff happened that I'm not exactly proud of.
I need to find a better way to escape reality.
That was by far my worst way.
And worst idea ever.
But I can't regret it.
I hate regretting anything in life.
And it definitely got me away from reality.
And I had a really good talk with a really good friend.
It only made me 100 times closer.

I am so thankful to have amazing people in my life.

And the cherry on top...
My dad visiting me today :)
It was just what I needed.
No drama.
No craziness.
Just honest heart to heart talk with him.
I seriously love my dad to death.
He is one of the few reasons I can survive at home.
He is always so grounded.
And put together.
My dad is honestly my hero.
I don't know what I would do without him.
He is one of those people you can talk to about anything.
And he is always honest with you.
Never rude.
Never judging.
I love you dad.

And I am never taking for granted every moment I have with him.
The past 2 weeks have been hard.
But I think I am ready to hit the ground running this week.
Just 2 more weeks.
2 more weeks and it's vacation time.
A week of no technology.
No drama.
Nothing.
Just water.
Peace.
Happiness.
I cannot wait.
Because afterwards is going to be nuts!
Absolutely nuts!

I am completely scared shitless about this conference.
Deathly scared.
And I am trying not to freak about it now.
But it is all of a month away.
Kind of hard not to.
So much to still do.
Crap.

No.
No.
No.

Positive thoughts.
We are going to make this happen.
One way or another.
No more being sad.
Or depressed.
Or stressed.
Or anything.

I guess that means I need sleep.
Here comes Monday.
Whether I'm ready or not.
Joy!

Giggles.

Surprisingly that has been my mood today!
I mean I slept till 1 in the afternoon...
But still hahaha.

I was TIRED!!!
I went to bed.
And at about 2:15 in the morning my phone rang.
Gotta love drunk power hours haha.
Can't be too bad because she lived such a sheltered life.
Hahahaha.
Sorry...
It just makes me giggles.
A lot.
Wonder if I will get another call tonight.
It's round 2 apparently haha.

But I won't be sleeping anytime soon.
My roommate started laundry.
Bitch really!!!!!!!
It's after midnight.
Oh fudge nuggets.
I said a bad word.
Ugh.
These 40 days are gonna be HARD!
Haha.
Whatever.
Like I said to a friend tonight...
She is a little ditsy haha.
Not too much you can expect!

But whateverrrrrrrrrrr.
I am in a good great mood!
I don't know why.
But I am.
So I don't really want to sleep haha.

I suppose I should soon...
Nawwwwwwwwww.
I'll just sleep all day again haha.

Priorities of my life.
Eventually it will change.
Maybe.
One day...

For now.
Pinterest!
And tv.
Haha.

Fabulous.

I love being ignored all day.
Don't you?

So much for that.

I don't even have words for today.
I just want to sleep.
And pretend this is all a horrible nightmare.

I think tomorrow I might escape reality.
Fill my gas tank up.
See where I go.

Or not.
Depends on how I feel I guess.
Or if I sleep at all.

Maybe take a drive to Sedona.
Take some pictures.
Just zone out.
Forget out here.
About life.

I just want things back to the way they use to be.
And I hope that is soon...

I guess it's time to escape reality in sleep land.
Hopefully no more messed up dreams.
I need some good sleep.
I need to get out of this funk.
I need a lot of things...

Today is not my day.

And I guess tonight isn't either.
Fuck this.

I don't know what to do anymore.
It seems like everything is falling apart.
Again.

Trying to hold my head above water is not working out.
I don't know if I can do this.
It doesn't help that I can't sleep.

I woke up at 3 am.
Nightmare.
Some crazy indian was chasing me with a machete.
It woke up me.
Then it took me forever to fall back asleep.
And then I woke up about every hour.
Another stupid dream.
Well I guess nightmare...
It was about my ex.
It was horrible.
I couldn't make it go away.
I just wanted to cry.
And then when I finally forgot about all that...
My ex's and my song came on at the grocery store.
Like really!
Fuck my life.
It really sucked.

And I don't have my best friend anymore.
I don't know what's going on.
I don't want to think about it.
I know I will start to over think it.
All night long.
And then I won't sleep anymore than I barely do.
Ugh.
Fuck.

Fuck.
Fuck.
Fuck.

That is how I feel.
It can all be summed up in 1 word.
Fuck.

And I am officially giving up cussing for lent.
And I might give up boys while I'm at it....
Fuck them.
Not literally.
But whatever.
Ugh.

I have seriously taken a billion pain killers today.
I can't get this headache to go away.
I hate my life right now.

Fuck.
Fuck.
Fuck.

Thank god for girl scout cookies.
I just pigged out on them.
Do I feel any better?
Yes.
Well no.
I want to say yes.
But in reality I don't.

I think it is time to curl up in bed.
And try to not break down.
Tomorrow is another day.

Life.

Oh ain't it a bitch.
Just gotta take it one day at a time.
For every bad thing...
Something good will happen.

It's like waiting for the storm to pass.
You just have to wait it out.
And eventually the sun will come out.

And I should learn to take my own advice haha.

So glad this horrible Monday is finally over!!
Only confirms why I hate Monday's.
Nothing ever good happens haha.
Oh well.

For some reason I just got a good feeling over me.
Like all the depression.
All the problems.
All my worries just don't seem to matter.
I don't know where this feeling came from...
Okay well maybe I do...
But still.
It's a good feeling.

It's been a while since I felt like this.
Since I can honestly say I am going to bed with a smile on my face.
It's been a long week since.
A shitty week at that.
But it's over.
Time to focus on now.
The future.
The happy.

And I am going to stick to that all I can.
Won't be easy.
But after this weekend I've had enough.
I want myself back.
I am taking control of my life.
I will not let depression win anymore.
Never.
It's my way or the highway.
And for that I am proud of myself!

The next few months will be hell.
No doubt about that.
I will be tired.
Stressed.
And possibly leaning towards depressed.
But I won't let it win.
Not once!

I should eat a cookie for that.
Haha
Not!
I've eaten way too many girl scout cookies today.
It's bad.
I had no self control haha.
But I have a reasoning for it.
See lent starts in 1 day...
That means I will most likely giving up chocolate or cookies.
Or both.
So therefore I binge now.
Haha it's not called Fat Tuesday for nothing!

Speaking of lent...
Can you give up depression?
Just curious...
But I am definitely giving up cussing.
I dont care how hard it will be.
I am doing this for me!
And maybe soda.
And chocolate.
Or cookies.
Or ice cream.
Haven't decided yet.
It's hard because my birthday is during lent.
But I'll figure it out.
I always do!

Time to get on with this thing called sleep...
Something my body doesn't seem to understand.
Fabulous right?
Not.

Bittersweet

I've decided that is my life.
Bittersweet.

One good thing happens.
And then one bad thing happens.

I guess I can't have my cake and eat it to...
Which sucks.
Cause I like cake.
Cake sounds really yummy right now.

So does sleep.

I went home this weekend to relax and sleep.
I did everything but that.
I forgot my mom doesn't let you sleep in.
Ever.
Even when she knows you haven't slept much recently.
It sucks.
But being back here alone sucks too.
And it seems to just keep getting suckier and suckier.
:(

And this boy...
I don't know anymore...
I am pretty sure I fucked it up.
I hope I didn't.
I hope it's just shit that's going on otherwise.
I like this boy.
He is really sweet.
But this weekend things seem different.
I don't know.
I never talk to him anymore.
It's weird.
It doesn't help that he is an hour behind me right now either.
But still.
Something's different.
10 digits never happen anymore.
It's sad.
It makes me sad.
I don't know how he feels about it though.
Sometimes I feel like I am talking to a stranger.
Not my best friend...

Sigh.

Maybe I rushed things...
Maybe I didn't.
Now I am going to over think.
Everything.
Fuck.
Me.

Good thing I took benedryl tonight.
So I can sleep.
I'm hitting the ground running tomorrow.
I don't have a choice.
I have to.
I guess it will be good.
Keep me busy.
Keep my mind off things.

Where is the god damn off switch for my brain.
Grr.

On a random note...
I realized lent starts Wednesday.
I've sorta not done it for the past two years.
Something tells me I need to do it this year.
So I am.
I've been thinking all day about what to give up...
Chocolate...
Cookies...
Fast food...
Processed food....
Drinking...
And then it hit me.
Maybe I should give up cussing.
I unfortunately do it a lot...
So I think that's what I might do.
And some other things too.
I feel like I should give up at least 3 things to make up for the past two years.
I can do it.
I am strong.
So it's happening...
I'll keep you posted on exactly what I decide.

For now I think I am going to sleep.
For one, I am completely bored.
And two, 8:30 is going to come really early.
And three, tomorrow is a long day.
And four...
I just don't want to think anymore.
Yep.
That's the main reason.
I need to keep this mood up.
I can't afford another break down.
Absolutely cannot.

Big Mess Up

Well I am pretty sure I just screwed everything up.

God damn depression.

Just fucked everything up.
I will be surprised if this boy still wants to talk to me.

I am at a loss for words.
I just ruined everything.
Well if there was even anything there...
Fuck.
I'm not going there again.

Sorry.

It's sleep time.
Only because it seems like the best option at this point.
Maybe this all is just a nightmare.
Maybe I didn't just mess up something possibly amazing.
Maybe there is still hope...

I guess we will just have to wait and see...


And if this boy is reading this...
Can we have 10 digits Sunday night?
Thanks.

...

Also...
I'm sorry I'm not perfect.

Hell I am far from perfect.
My hair is always a mess.
My makeup is never really done.
I wear tshirts and sweats 90% of the time.
But if someone out there doesnt care.
And sees me for me.
Then please come find me.
Because I guess I just live in some fantasy.
A fantasy of finding this amazing guy who likes me for me.
Who actually wants to be with me.
I dont know...

I guess I am sick of fairy tales...
I guess I am just really sick of reality.......
Fuck.


I hate being so bipolar sometimes.
I wish I could turn off the bad.
Make it disappear.
I am ruining this boys night.
I'm sorry.
I'm the worst.
I guess I can understand why he might not like me.
I don't even deserve dirt.
Sometimes I don't think I deserve to live.

I hate reality.
I hate being bipolar.
I hate depression.
I hate alcohol.
I hate the problems it has caused for my family.


I just want to learn to love again.
I just want to be loved again.
I just want life to be simple for once...


Is that too much to ask?

I guess it is for me.

Life has never been anything but easy.

I just want to make people proud.
I just want people to be proud to know me.
To be apart of my life.
I just want people to want to spend time with me.
To want to be with me.
To just be my friend.
To not judge.
Like me for me..
Is that too much to ask?

I guess so...
I guess a happy life is too.
Maybe one day.

I am sorry love if you are reading this.
I am so sorry.
I'm sorry i got you involved in my life.
And all my issues.
You don't deserve it.
You deserve happiness.
Not problems.
I'm sorry.

I should just curl up and disappear.
Pretend I never messed up your life.
I am nothing.

And it doesn't matter what you say...
That is how I see myself.
I don't know if it will ever change.


Thank you for everything.
But I'm sorry.
I am sorry I am not this strong girl you think I am.
I'm sorry I can't ignore the bad thoughts.
I tried.
I'm sorry.

I am so sorry love.

Sometimes...

I wish I could read peoples minds...
Like this boys mind...
Ugh.

I don't get him.
I don't get him at all...
Not one bit.
Does he like me?
Does he not?...

I can't figure it out.
Zero clues...
Or hints.

Sometimes I wonder if I am just some girl...
Sometimes I think he feels the way I do...
Sometimes I just dont know.


I want this boy to come back.
I want to see him.
Talk to him face to face.
I want to know how he feels.

I just don't want to be played...
I am sick of just being some girl.
I want someone to want me.
To want me for me...

I guess I just don't deserve that...
I just don't know...

Damn this boy...
Damn him for making me fall for him.
Damn him for being such a gentleman.
Damn him for being so sweet.
Damn him...


I just wish I could read guys minds...

I hate feeling like this.
And it's not his fault...
It's me.

I'm so broken.
He tried to fix me...
I don't know...

Sigh.


I just can't wait for this boy to come home.
Maybe life will make sense...
Maybe...



Thank you best friend.
Thank you for giving me a reason to live.
Thank you for making me see the good.
Even if its only there for a little...
Thank you best friend...
Thank you.

Mountains...

They always seem to be between this boy and me.

That is the reality of things.
Literally.

I just realized this tonight.
And damn does it suck.
I just can't win.

When I'm at school there is a ton of mountains between us.
When I'm home there are mountains.
And even now there is a mountain between us.

And I'm not speaking metaphorically either.
Oh don't even get me started on those "mountains".

Maybe soon things will get easier.
Maybe my life will start lifting up...
I can hope right?

As the boy always says...
"Chin up!"

He's kinda sorta amazing.
Just saying.

After a good nights sleep last night I feel better.
I also finally got my computer back.
And this boy basically yelled at me to go home.
He called it "tough love".
Haha I call bullshit.
But he is one smart cookie.
I am pretty sure he knows me better than I know myself...
Going home was just what I needed.
A good break from school.
And my stupid roommate.
And the crap there.
Since I've been home it's been nothing but laughs.

And this boy...
Always can put a smile on my face.
He is always so strong.
I am so thankful for him.
He is my best friend.
And I absolutely cannot wait for him to come back.
I have a biggggg surprise for him.
I'm making him dinner and dessert.
And treating him to a movie.
And to an amusement park.
Damn I'm amazing.
This boy better start sucking up.
Just saying :P

Now to go focus on how I am going to kick this boy's ass when he gets back...
:)

Just Can&apos;t Win

This week has been nothing but shit.
Complete shit.
I seriously can't win.
I can't seem to catch a break just once.
It's one thing after another.
Trying to climb out of this hole is getting harder and harder.
I don't know how much longer I can keep going.
And that scares me.

I haven't been this down in a long time.
It's hard to be strong when you are all alone.
I don't know how much longer I can be strong.
Every day just seems to get worse.
And tonight was the cherry of it all.

I just wanted a break this weekend.
Even if my original plans were gone.
I just wanted to go home.
Spend some time with family.
Get away from this place.
But no.
My computer still isnt ready.
So I am still stuck in this place.
At this point I don't even think I want to drive 3 hours.
It doesnt seem worth it.
I don't think I have the energy to.
And if my computer isn't ready tomorrow morning...
I might just stay.
And sleep.
And sleep.
And sleep.
I think I need it.
I need a lot of things.

Ugh.
And on top of all this shit this week...
One of my hermit crabs died.
He was in the middle of a molt.
It really sucks.
And being in this mindset doesn't help.
I feel like a total failure.
This boy says it's not my fault.
And that I can't control nature.
But still.
It's hard to feel like I didnt fail when he is dead.

I just wanted one thing in life to go okay.
But I guess not.
Maybe one day I will catch a break.
But probably not.
The world hates me.
And right now I really hate me.

I just always feel like a failure.
No matter what I do.
I'm always failing.
I just can't ever seem to win.
Or even catch a small break.
Life just really sucks.

Just My Luck

Fuck Mondays.
Seriously they suck.

I went to bed last night happy.
Happy because I was going to make it through the week.
Why?
Because I would get to see my best friend again on thursday.
But my luck ran out.

Let me back track a little...
This weekend my best friend came to visit.
Even though it was only for one night...
It was amazing.
We went to the Grand Canyon to watch the sun rise.
The snow had other plans.
But we went anyways.
Soooooo much fun.
I didnt want them all to leave.
It was depressing.

Even more so because I realized something...
I've actually fallen for my best friend.
I know I said I never would.
But I did.
Every moment I spend with him puts me on a high.
It's amazing.
I love it.
I love how this boy has taken my broken heart.
I love that I can trust this boy.
I love that I want to be with him.
And I really miss him.
And that sucks!!

And now i won't see him for a few weeks.
I am really sad.
I wish I could see him right now.
And give him a big hug.
I think he needs it.
No...
I know he needs it.
I wish I was with him right now.
Being there to support him.
Of all people he doesn't deserve this.
No one does.
I am so sorry love.

I can't wait to see him and give him the biggest hug ever.
He has been my rock the past few months.
I don't know where I would be if he wasn't in my life.
I am so grateful to know this amazing guy.
There are not enough words to describe how I feel.
The impact he has had on my life brings tears to my eyes.
In a good way.
He makes me actually like myself.
It has been so long since i can say that.
Its a feeling that words can't describe.

I thank god every day for meeting this boy.

Problems Problems Problems

Problems.
Story of my life.

It has just been one thing after another.
It is absolutely ridonkulous!!

Let me rewind to last week...
Monday exactly...
I actually don't even feel like talking about it anymore.
I am so over it all.
Let's just say my Monday consisted of mostly drama.
With both RHA and the sorority.
It was stupid.
It pissed me off.
A lot.
It also killed my immune system being so stressed.
It completely crashed.
I woke up Tuesday with a swollen throat and feeling like shit.
By that night I had a fever.
It sucked!
I basically had a head cold mixed with the flu.
Needless to say I spent all of last week in bed.
Doing absolutely nothing!
It was nice.
But it also sucked.
I can't stand sitting around doing nothing for a week.
I got super restless.
It was bad.
But just going to 1 class killed me.
I had to come home and nap for 2 hours before I could do anything else.
I am just thankful my teachers were understanding.
I am not behind at all.
One less thing to worry about.

Oh and did I mention my computer crashed.
Again.
Like blue screen of death.
Like go fuck yourself I'm not even going to turn on dead.
It has been a week since I took it to the nerds.
They can't even get it to open in safe mode.
I'm fucked.
It's great.
Not.
At least almost everything was backed up.
So that's a relief.
And my computer is still covered by warranty.
So I can hopefully get a new hard drive for free.
And then get it fixed soon.
It's hard to do photos when you don't have your computer.
And extremely stressful.
However on a brighter note...
My mom completely agrees with me on that I just need a new computer.
She said I might be able to get a new one for graduation.
Crazy.
But good.
I really really really want a Mac.
The end.

Also....
Today is Friday.
That means tomorrow is Saturday.
And my best friend in the whole wide world is coming to see me :)
I can't wait!!!
I am sooooooooooo excited.
I seriously love this kid.
He is hilarious.
And awesome.
He already knows this.
I am pretty sure we discuss it daily.
We are that amazing.
It's great!
Did I mention how excited I am?
:)

Have a fabulous weekend y'all!!

I just want to scream.

Fucking drama.
Fucking bull shit.
Fucking done.

That pretty much sums up how I feel right now.
Completely.

Let me start from the beginning...
So tonight was interviews and picking new littles for the semester.
Seeing that I graduate in a year...
I figured I would be one of the first few to get to pick.
No.
I was the 15th person.
Why?
Because I already have a little.
No it doesn't matter that it is basically my last semester to take a little.
Or the fact that I am graduating before freshmen.
I already have a little so I get screwed.
How awesome right?
Not.
Fucking cunts.
Yes.
I said it.
Cunts.
I'm pissed.
No.
I'm fucking irritated.

It is absolutely ridiculous that a freshmen is before a senior.
Tell me how the fuck that is fair.
It's not.

I am seriously just about done with this sorority.
And their fucking bullshit.
And drama.
And cliques.
It's just stupid!

I am now going to go pig out and do nothing.
Actually I will probably start cleaning.
Otherwise I might do something stupid.
Yes.
I am that upset.

Sooooooooooo

I don't think this boy realized how much of an impact he has had on my life.
Like seriously.

It is always the little things that matter most.
It always has been that way for me.
The little things from good morning texts.
To goofy inside jokes.
It is just the stupid little things that get me.
They can set me off.
Or make me happy.
It is udderly ridonkulous!!

And this boy...
Oh does he know what little things will make me smile.
I love it.

Like this morning.
Shit it was hard to wake up.
I just wanted to sleep.
But I got up.
I don't think it was because I had somewhere to be.
I think it was because I just wanted to talk to him.
I seriously kept checking my phone for a text.
Waiting for him to wake up.
It was ridiculous.
It is ridiculous.

How one weekend I met so many amazing people.
And a week later I spent a weekend with them.
And now I am best friends with them.
And in such little time someone has changed me.
Completely.

I realized that today.
Since the whole break up depressing thing...
I'm not going to lie.
I was pretty messed up.
It was bad.
I just wanted to make it all go away.
Erase 2 years of my life.
Completely.
Actually I didn't want to be here anymore.
I wanted anything to be happy.
To be alone.
With anyone else.
All I wanted was for him to come back.
And then I went to Wyoming for 4 days.
And met the most amazing.
Unjudgementle people ever.
It made me realize how special I am.
How much of a difference in someone's life I can make.
It was then I realized life is too short to hold onto the past.
I spent some time that weekend thinking about my ex.
I don't regret it.
It is what got me to where I am today.
Because of those people I found a reason to want to still live.
It honestly saved me at the moment.
That is when I decided I wanted to get to know them more.
So I spent the following weekend at Mesa.
I seriously wanted to kill my roommates.
So I got away.
I left Flagstaff.
I was only suppose to stay for a night.
But something inside me said no.
Stay another night.
Honestly...
Best decision ever.
If I hadn't stayed I don't think I would be as close with this boy.
Well I take that back.
I probably might be.
But it wouldn't be the same.
It was all depending on a quarter.
Kinda...
Deep down I really didn't want to go back.
I felt like I belonged.
I felt accepted.
I felt like people actually wanted to spend time with me.
Not because they had to.
But because they enjoyed my company.
It was an amazing feeling.
And the quarter said heads.
And I remember this boys words exactly...
"Pull up a couch"
Still makes me smile :)
So I stayed.
And hung out with this boy.
And when it came time for bed...
Okay at like 4 am...
When we decided sleep was important...
This boy asked for my number.
I didn't think anything of it.
I figured he was just trying to get in my pants.
Or something.
Like he was just trying to be friendly.
Eventually I went to sleep.
I didn't sleep much.
One I didn't want to sleep through my alarm.
And two, I still didn't want to leave.
But I did leave.
And a few hours later...
As I pulled back into Fagstaff...
I got a text.
From this boy.
Asking if I had made it back.
At the time I didn't think anything of it.
But thinking about it now...
It was the sweetest thing I've gotten from a guy.
Without trying to make a pass at getting with me.
He honestly cared then.
I still can't believe it.
We kept texting.
And texting.
And texting.
And then texting turned into something more.
Now this is totally random,
But honestly,
Long phone calls made me think of my ex.
And the things we used to do.
So it was hard.
But the texting turned into 10 digits.
And those 10 digits came completely naturally.
It honestly wasn't awkward like I thought it would be.
That first 10 digits we ever had made me smile so much.
To be able to sit on the phone for 2 hours.
And just talk.
Nothing really important.
Just talking.
Talking and laughing.
And smiling.
It made all the difference.
To be that comfortable with someone again.
Probably the best feeling after losing everything.
And then came Thanksgiving.
It was weird having my cousin's girlfriends there.
And me with no one after 2 years.
But thankfully I was still able to text this boy.
He made me smile.
He made it okay.
And the next day I got to see him.
And then I met his mom and sister.
Oh god embarrassing.
Not my best impression.
But this boy says they like me.
Which is good.
I don't remember much of that night.
The things I do remember are all that matter.
I remember being happy.
Not being judged.
It was nice.
It was also nice the next night.
This boy...
He came over.
It was just a few hours.
I was half dead.
But I think that night changed everything.
He might not see it...
But I do.
I finally felt free.
Free to be myself.
I laughed.
And giggled sooo much that night.
I honestly finally felt comfortable around someone again.
It was amazing.
The next few weeks were amazing.
Texting all the time.
10 digits :)
Just made the last few weeks of the semester livable.
I still remember the last day of finals for me...
It was horrible weather.
I was hoping finals would be cancelled.
They weren't.
And roads weren't so fabulous.
But I had plans that night.
I was going to hang out with my friends.
No matter what.
I was determined.
I left Flag not knowing what obstacles were on the road.
I did not want to miss seeing my friends.
I made it thankfully!
That night was sooo much fun.
Honestly...
My winter break was kind of a blur.
But the moment that I keep replaying in my head is the same.
I don't remember what night it was.
I am sure this boy does...
But it was a meat and cheese night with my parents.
I was bored.
I somehow convinced this boy and friend to come over.
That night was a slight blur...
But I remember him leaving.
We were hugging in front of my front door...
Noses pressed against each other...
Me happy...
Me comfortable...
When it happened.
And I don't regret it one bit.
I no longer care who saw.
I no longer care who sees.
Okay maybe I do...
I don't know why...
Maybe it is because I am not ready to commit.
Not ready to be with someone again.
Seriously.
Maybe it is because keeping it a secret is kinda hot.
Shittttttttttttttt....
It is really hot.
I don't know why...
Sometimes I feel like a slut...
But then I don't.
I feel loved.
I feel happy.
I feel special.
I feel like this is right.
Sometimes I feel like I deserve it.
And sometimes I really don't.
But either way I wouldn't change it.
This boy has flipped my whole world upside down.
And in an amazing way!!
I honestly never thought I would find someone to make me smile again.
I thought I would spend the rest of my life alone.
With 40 cats.
And I don't like cats.
It was bad.
But this boy...
He has made me want to live.
Make something of myself.
I am pretty sure he is the reason I have thought of grad school.
Even though I don't sleep much because of him...
He has made a very positive influence in my life.
Oh god...
I am getting emotional.
Fuck.
Fuck.
Fuck.
If it wasn't for him...
I don't think I would be this positive.
This happy.
This alive.
I am soooo thankful for this boy.
And I don't know if he knows how much he means.
He has made me find my heart again.
Something I thought I gave away and lost forever.
This boy...
He gives me butterflies.
He keeps me up at night thinking about him.
He makes me feel like I've never felt before.
And it makes me happy.
I still have a chance at a happy life.
At being with someone.
Maybe not at this moment...
But eventually.
I can honestly say I am falling for this boy.
I don't know how to say that to his face.
Because right now I am a mess realizing it.
I don't like being like this.
But I am falling for him.
I want to hold his hand.
Curl up in his arms.
Kiss him.
Feel like nothing matters but that.
I want to feel loved again.
It is an amazing feeling.
And to know I still have a chance is crazy.
And completely scary.
But everyday is better.
Everyday I think less of the guy that took everything.
Everyday I think more about this guy.
How much I smile because of him.
Hell I am smiling now thinking of him.
That is what makes life worth living.
The little things :)

And now I am done with my story.
If you are still reading this...
I love you.
And thank you.
Sometimes you just have to let it all out.
Whether it is by talking to someone.
Or blogging.
It makes all the difference.

I hope you have a wonderful Saturday evening.
I am off to the last home hockey game of the season.
Crossing my fingers we win.
Either way it will be a good game :)

<3 you all :)

You know...

There is always that one person who can put the biggest smile on your face...
Make you laugh when you don't want to...
Smile like a total moron as you go to sleep?
That would be this boy.

It is amazing.
Absolutely incredible.
I can't believe this is happening...
I'm happy.
Like honestly truely happy.
It is really surprising.
I mean regardless that it is almost 3 am...
And I am about to pass out...
I am honestly happy.
This boy...
Oh god this boy...
He might not realize it,
But he has completely turned my life around.
I mean fuck...
I still don't know what I want to do with my life.
But knowing I have amazing friends 130 miles away,
Makes everything a million billion times better.
It's not the same as having them here with me.
But with a short 3 hour drive I can see them.
And I know they are always excited to see them.
And this boy...
God damn.

It is seriously incredible how a simple 30 minute skype date can make me feel.
Yes, we have absolutely dirty conversations.
And some things should never be repeated.
But he makes me feel alive.
He doesn't judge my weirdness.
Or just me being me.
He is just as goofy as me.
And I love it.
I love how similar we are.
Yet completely different.
And I absolutely love how much of a gentleman he is.
Oh my god it's amazing.
I don't know what kind of world I was living in before.
But damnnnnnnnnnnnn.
Just the way he treats me.
It's just simply amazing.
Sometimes I don't think I deserve it.
But he always says I do.
He is always there for me.
Damn him...
He scares me.
Not in a bad way.
I guess I am just not ready.
But I am.
But I'm not.
It's hard.
I wish somethings were different.
But tonight I realized I don't.
I started talking about him.
The age difference mostly...
But I just realized when I was talking about him,
I had a grin on my face.
The age doesn't matter.
The happiness does.
The money doesn't matter either.
I mean it would be nice, but not completely a deal breaker.
He is a college student.
Which means he is smart.
And eventually going to have money.
And damn it...
I'm smiling again.
And fuuuuccckkkkk.
I wish he had his own vehicle.
So he could come up here.
That would be nice.
It's hard when I go there.
I never want to leave.
It's bad.
Eventually I am not going to leave.
For real.
It won't be good.
I will probably break down.
And then not leave.
That is not good.
Well at least not for another year.
I need to finish school.
But being with him makes life seem bearable.
Which I didn't think I would feel again.
It's just amazing.
And I try not to take advantage of it.
But it's like God finally is on my side.
Maybe this was his plan all along.
Kinda shitty, but worth it I suppose.

I guess only time will tell...
For now I am going to bed.
I need to wake up in like 5 hours...
Ugh that will be fun.
Not.
At least it means he will be awake and I can talk to him again.
That always makes everything better.
Another day.
Another problem.
Another smile.
Another laugh.
Another chance at life.
:)

I miss my best friend...

Once again...
Damn this boy.
I really hate him.
(Not really)
I don't think I could ever hate him.
He is seriously the most amazing guy ever.
I've realized I am slowly falling for him.
It seriously scares me.
It also makes me smile.
Like a huge ass grin.

Ugh.

Only me...

I absolutely love how he is okay with me.
And all my problems.
And how none of it matters.
It never has.
And I don't think they ever will.
It's amazing.
He is amazing.

I really never thought I would meet such a gentleman.
And a smart one.
And a funny one.
And a baby...
Oh geez.
Maybe that is what is holding me back...
Well no.
I know it's not.
It was.
But it's whatever.
I guess it kinda has to do with him not having a vehicle.
I can't do that to myself again.
I can't.
I can't put myself through all that.
The driving.
The one always doing everything.
I guess that is kind of what is holding me back.
I can't deal with that stress.
Or the stress of anything more with friends.
Well I guess it's kinda more than friends.
Sorta...
I don't know what you would call it.
Grr.
I just know it has my mind spinning in circles.
Butterflies all in my tummy.
And a huge stupid grin on my face every time I get a text from him.
It sucks.
Okay not really.
I want it to.
I want to hate it.
But how could you hate someone as amazing as that.
Someone that completely understands.
That doesn't need me to even speak to know something is wrong.
It's crazy.
It's scary.
But it's nice.

Damn this boy....

And damn that fact that I am still losing sleep over him...
Well not in a bad way I guess.
We just still stay up way to late.
But I don't think I would change anything about it.
Just that little extra time makes all the difference.

Like this morning...
I was suppose to leave at 5.
I was still way too tired.
But I still needed to go back to Fagstaff.
But something told me to stay.
Stay for just a few more hours.
3 to be exact.
It was all I needed.
3 solid hours of being out cold.
Sleeping next to him.
Not even having to be in him arms.
Just touching his leg.
The warmth of his body.
It was all I needed to know I was going to be okay.
And to make the drive back.
I felt a million times better.
I mean I still didn't want to leave.
But I knew it would be okay.
I still wish I didn't have to.
That I could curl up in that big bed of his.
Curl up in his arms.
Feel his super hot body against mine.
Warming up my freezing cold legs and feet.
It always seems to make all my problems go away.
It's like a mini paradise.
A break from reality.
And leaving sucks.
I haven't broke down about it yet.
I am scared to.
I don't want it to go that far.
I don't want to push him away.
Scare him off.
This boy is probably the best thing that has happened to me in years.
And I don't want to lose him.

He is honestly my best friend.
I feel like I've known him for years...
Yet it has only been maybe 2 months.
It's crazy.
But absolutely amazing.

Thank you boy :)

And now I need to sleep.
I also can't type anymore.
My stupid wrist and elbow are killing me.
I guess I've said enough.
It's bed time :)

Damn this boy...

I don't know what I am going to do with this boy.
He has me all messed up...
But not in a good way.
I haven't felt this way in a long time.
Not even when I was with douche bag.
It's crazy.
But scary.
I don't know how to feel.
You would think I would be excited.
Or happy.
Which I guess in a way I am both.
But there is still that little voice in the back of my head that won't let me go.

Poop.

I hate how comfortable I am around him.
I hate how he is a total gentleman.
I hate how he always puts me first.
I hate how he can make me smile even when I don't want to.
I hate how he gives me butterflies.
I hate how there is no awkwardness.
I hate how he makes me feel.

But really... I <3 him.

I want to hate him.
I don't know why.
Maybe because I am scared of being hurt again.
I've mentally told myself to hate all guys.
To not let any in.
So I can't get hurt.
And he understands that.
Which I hate.
I want to be alone.
Well actually no I don't.
I want to be loved.
Spoiled.
Taken cared of.
Be with someone who actually cares about me.
But I am deathly scared.

I don't think it is a matter of being over my ex anymore.
Because after resent things I've seen...
I could never go back to that.
And I hate myself for not seeing him from the beginning.
I think I was just caught up in the fact of "love".
Whether it was really there or not, who knows.
Don't get me wrong.
I still care about him.
And I still hope that one day we can still be friends.
But he desperately needs to grow up.

And fuck.
Why am I talking about him.
Clearly I have a problem.
This is why I can't just let things be.
Why I have to hide this.
Ugh.
I hate myself for even saying that.
Why would you ever want to hide something that amazing.
Oh ya...
Because I'm completely fucked.
Sometimes I just want to bang my head into the wall.
Over.
And over.
And over.
And over again.

And then I think about last night.
Not like anything happened.
I wouldn't let myself.
But just the fact of the matter.
That could, one day, be happy again.
Find my heart and give it to someone else.
It's weird.
It makes me smile.
But it still scares the shit out of me!

Time.
Time is what he says.
I trust this boy.
This boy is smart.
Smart equals money.
Ha.
He is also my best friend.
He is the only one who knows about my past.
And I actually feel safe around.
And talking to about it.
It is nice.
To not be judged.
To not have to worry about it.
Things seem to be getting better.
And that makes me smile.
One day....
Just one day I will be completely better.
I will be able to completely let go of the past.
And when that day comes...
I'm going to have a god damn party!

Ya...
I'm weird.
So what.
I guess that is what makes me, well ME!

Just taking it one day at a time.
I can't promise everyday will be a good day.
But I can promise, or at least try to live with no regrets.
Life is to short.
And I've already wasted part of it.
So here's to life.
And growing up.
And being the best you can be.
With no regrets!

<3

Where did all the ice cream go...

It has been one of those days.
My diet went completely out the window.
I woke up feeling like complete shit.
And it appears the day will end that way as well.
It sucks.

I should probably just sleep.
But I have too much running through my head.
I hate this.

This boy has my head all spinning.
And I don't know if it a good thing or not.
It's nice because I think about my ex less and less.
But I am scared.
I don't think I am ready for anything more than friends.
And he is the sweetest guy ever!
A total gentleman.
Basically a complete package.
So what's wrong with me?
I just can't commit.
I guess because I know myself.
And my past.
It is probably best if I am single for now.
I know I am not completely in a good state for commitment.
I know I will cause trouble.
It is what I always do.
And it doesn't help that a guy from 2 years ago is in one of my classes.
As well as 20 beautiful men.
I need to stop thinking about boys.
This semester I need WILL focus completely on school.
I can't screw up my grades again.
I think I would die if I did.
This semester will be all about school.
No dumb boys breaking hearts.
No ex's distracting me.
No other guy to let me stray away from what matters.

I've got 2 semesters left.
I can do this.
I will get great grades again.
I want to make myself proud to be me.
I guess I want a lot.
But if you don't dream big you will never get close to what you want.
So why not!

But any who...
This boy...
Damn him.
Damn me.
I might have made a mistake.
I don't know.
It seemed right at the time.
But I don't think I should have let it get to that level.
Not yet anyways.
I am now all messed up.
What have I done...
I said I would never date my best friend again...
And I am pretty sure that this is leading to that.
Fuck.
I know I am not going to commit yet.
I don't want to hurt him.
Anymore than I probably will.
I am just a horrible person I guess.

Also...
I don't get why he is so nice to me.
All the time.
He treats me like I'm the only person that matters.
Even when I remind him I just need friends.
He makes me feel pretty.
And special.
And good about myself.
I don't know why I hate this.
I just do.
Maybe because I've never been treated like this.
He says I deserve to be treated this way.
But I disagree.
I don't think I do.
I always hurt people.
I am selfish.
I am fat.
I am ugly.
I am stupid.
I hate myself.

I guess this is why I shouldn't keep falling.
Or anything else.
Part of me wishes I could take that night back.
Well I guess just that one part.
I am glad he stopped me from doing anything worse.
But still.
It's too much.
I know it is.
It is all I can think about.
I want to not talk to him all the time.
I want to not have him like me.
I want him to pretend I don't exist.
And I don't exactly know why.

I guess I just don't want to break his heart.
Or mine.
I've been through too much pain.
I couldn't live for anymore right now.
Why couldn't he just listen.
Why couldn't he just have pushed me away.
Why couldn't he have been an ass to me.
Kicked me out.
Let me sleep on the sofa.
Not pay for me.
Just treat me like a friend.
Ugh.

I guess I am done ranting.
For now.
I'm just all confused.
And tired.
And stressed.
It really sucks.
I just want to break down.
I'm trying really hard not to.
I'm trying to be super strong this semester.
I am not going to let things get to me.
I want to prove to myself I am better.
I want to feel amazing.
Not like today.
One day I suppose...

MIA

Yes.
I know it has been about 2 weeks.
I know y'all are curious.
I know y'all are having with drawls of me.
I know a shit ton has happened since I last posted.
I know I will probably not remember it all to post now.

So here goes....


First of all...
My computer didn't have enough internal memory to edit this one photo.
So I gave my dad my computer.
And I just now have it all squared away.
Damn super large photos.
Just hot damn.

So that is really the main reason I have been MIA.

Also...
Poly.
Damnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn.

That is all I have to say.
That is where I have been the past 2 weeks.

The day after new years I picked up this boy from the airport.
And then we had dinner with my family.
WHICH HE WASHED ALL THE DISHES AFTERWARDS!
Damn could he be anymore of a gentleman.
It was nice :)
Then to poly we went...
Whereeeeeeeeeeeeeeee I stayed for 4 days straight...
I came home once.
For 30 minutes to grab clean clothes haha.
It was FUCKING AMAZING!
I really did not want to go home.
But they had to start classes...
Poo.
And my mom almost had a bitch fit over it.
Fucking stupid.
So I went home for about 2 days and went back.
It is never a boring time there.
Never!
And I love it.
Like last night.
And tomorrow night.
Always giggles.
Except tonight.
Tonight they are on a road trip to Cali.
Without me :(
Sad day.
Although originally I couldn't go.
But still.
It sucks.
I wanted to be there with this boy watch the sun rise over the water.
Just thinking about it makes me smile.
Sounds amazing.
Relaxing.
What I need right now.
And a hug from my best friend...

Ya know when you get in those moods...
Where all you want is a big ass hug and to not be alone.
Well today was one of those days.
And nothing has made it go away.
It scares me.
Weird I know.

Well I should clarify...
I am scared cause of this boy...

It's not the boy I am scared of.
He is absolutely amazing.
Super sweet.
Always a gentleman.
Always caring.
Always there for me.
Always complimenting me even when I don't want to hear it.
Pretty sure my parents love him too.
(He just needs a vehicle)
Just hearing his voice is comforting.
And that scares me.
To think I might me falling.
When I don't want to.
I mean its not a matter of not wanting to.
It's a matter of being too scared to.
I don't know how much more of me I have to give.
And potentially get thrown back in my face.
Or get torn to pieces.
I just don't think I could keep doing that.
So it scares me to feel this way.

I just don't know.

I guess only time will tell.

I mean he is basically my best friend.
He is the only person who knows my whole life.
What I've been through.
How I feel.
It just seems right in so many ways.
There are no awkward moments.
It just works.
It is nice.
It is refreshing.
That someone doesn't just "like" me for sex.
And as time passes, the whole age thing is starting to become unimportant.
I know I said I wouldn't date younger again.
And I know I'm not ready for an exclusive relationship.
But still...
I don't think there are words to describe how much of a gentleman he is.
Not just a hold the door open kind.
But total sweetheart.
Pay for my food no matter what.
Make sure I am okay and good at all times.
Just a real gentleman.
It is a good change.
It is a change I do deserve.
I was raised to deserve this.
It just feels so right.

But deep inside something is telling me to take a step back.
And every time I do...
It never seems good afterwards.
I just see things in a bad way.
I start to think about my ex.
It makes me angry.

And I am now getting sleepy.
I will continue to update maybe tomorrow.
I have to pack EVERYTHING tomorrow.
I don't want to go back to school.
Blah.