Nights where I can't get my mind to turn off.
I just keep thinking.
And thinking.
And thinking.
And thinking.
And over thinking EVERYTHING.
This just sucks.
I am physically exhausted.
I know I am.
I realized this afternoon I was sinking back to that bad place.
And it's not small.
I know I am falling back into depression.
And that alone sucks.
And knowing there is nothing I can do sucks even more.
I wish I could say I was past all that.
But I'm not.
I know I'm not.
When I wake up physically exhausted at 1 in the afternoon...
I know I'm not okay.
I know my limits.
I know it's never going to go away.
But I just wish for once my life would be on my side.
I hate having to take benedryl every night just so I can fall asleep for an hour.
I hate needing pain meds because I have a nonstop headache.
I hate this.
Why me.
Why.
Ugh.
It is now almost 2 am...
And I feel physically exhausted.
But I know I won't be able to sleep.
I keep trying to play the worst situations in my head.
So that whatever does happen this weekend isn't THAT bad.
It really sucks.
The whole pretending I am strong thing isn't working.
I am not as good as I use to be.
Hiding how I really feel.
I can't do this fake happiness thing.
It only seems to make me feel worse.
I was really unsure about spring break.
But as this week has gone on my thoughts have changed.
Words cannot express how I feel.
How grateful I am to spend a week with my family.
A week away from school.
A week away from friends.
A week away from drama.
A week of nothing but random strangers.
People who don't know me.
Don't know my problems.
People who know nothing.
A place to escape reality.
Pretend that everything is just fine and dandy.
I really cannot wait.
I know I will say I can't stand my parents at times.
But times like now are when I just want to hug my mom.
For her to tell me that everything will be okay.
Hug my dad and be reassured that I'm loved.
That is what I really need right now.
And that is what I will get if this weekend falls apart.
I hope it doesn't.
I really hope it doesn't.
I could use some happiness right now.
Some good laughs.
Real smiles.
Anything but how I feel now.
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