Damn this boy...

I don't know what I am going to do with this boy.
He has me all messed up...
But not in a good way.
I haven't felt this way in a long time.
Not even when I was with douche bag.
It's crazy.
But scary.
I don't know how to feel.
You would think I would be excited.
Or happy.
Which I guess in a way I am both.
But there is still that little voice in the back of my head that won't let me go.

Poop.

I hate how comfortable I am around him.
I hate how he is a total gentleman.
I hate how he always puts me first.
I hate how he can make me smile even when I don't want to.
I hate how he gives me butterflies.
I hate how there is no awkwardness.
I hate how he makes me feel.

But really... I <3 him.

I want to hate him.
I don't know why.
Maybe because I am scared of being hurt again.
I've mentally told myself to hate all guys.
To not let any in.
So I can't get hurt.
And he understands that.
Which I hate.
I want to be alone.
Well actually no I don't.
I want to be loved.
Spoiled.
Taken cared of.
Be with someone who actually cares about me.
But I am deathly scared.

I don't think it is a matter of being over my ex anymore.
Because after resent things I've seen...
I could never go back to that.
And I hate myself for not seeing him from the beginning.
I think I was just caught up in the fact of "love".
Whether it was really there or not, who knows.
Don't get me wrong.
I still care about him.
And I still hope that one day we can still be friends.
But he desperately needs to grow up.

And fuck.
Why am I talking about him.
Clearly I have a problem.
This is why I can't just let things be.
Why I have to hide this.
Ugh.
I hate myself for even saying that.
Why would you ever want to hide something that amazing.
Oh ya...
Because I'm completely fucked.
Sometimes I just want to bang my head into the wall.
Over.
And over.
And over.
And over again.

And then I think about last night.
Not like anything happened.
I wouldn't let myself.
But just the fact of the matter.
That could, one day, be happy again.
Find my heart and give it to someone else.
It's weird.
It makes me smile.
But it still scares the shit out of me!

Time.
Time is what he says.
I trust this boy.
This boy is smart.
Smart equals money.
Ha.
He is also my best friend.
He is the only one who knows about my past.
And I actually feel safe around.
And talking to about it.
It is nice.
To not be judged.
To not have to worry about it.
Things seem to be getting better.
And that makes me smile.
One day....
Just one day I will be completely better.
I will be able to completely let go of the past.
And when that day comes...
I'm going to have a god damn party!

Ya...
I'm weird.
So what.
I guess that is what makes me, well ME!

Just taking it one day at a time.
I can't promise everyday will be a good day.
But I can promise, or at least try to live with no regrets.
Life is to short.
And I've already wasted part of it.
So here's to life.
And growing up.
And being the best you can be.
With no regrets!

<3