Where did all the ice cream go...

It has been one of those days.
My diet went completely out the window.
I woke up feeling like complete shit.
And it appears the day will end that way as well.
It sucks.

I should probably just sleep.
But I have too much running through my head.
I hate this.

This boy has my head all spinning.
And I don't know if it a good thing or not.
It's nice because I think about my ex less and less.
But I am scared.
I don't think I am ready for anything more than friends.
And he is the sweetest guy ever!
A total gentleman.
Basically a complete package.
So what's wrong with me?
I just can't commit.
I guess because I know myself.
And my past.
It is probably best if I am single for now.
I know I am not completely in a good state for commitment.
I know I will cause trouble.
It is what I always do.
And it doesn't help that a guy from 2 years ago is in one of my classes.
As well as 20 beautiful men.
I need to stop thinking about boys.
This semester I need WILL focus completely on school.
I can't screw up my grades again.
I think I would die if I did.
This semester will be all about school.
No dumb boys breaking hearts.
No ex's distracting me.
No other guy to let me stray away from what matters.

I've got 2 semesters left.
I can do this.
I will get great grades again.
I want to make myself proud to be me.
I guess I want a lot.
But if you don't dream big you will never get close to what you want.
So why not!

But any who...
This boy...
Damn him.
Damn me.
I might have made a mistake.
I don't know.
It seemed right at the time.
But I don't think I should have let it get to that level.
Not yet anyways.
I am now all messed up.
What have I done...
I said I would never date my best friend again...
And I am pretty sure that this is leading to that.
Fuck.
I know I am not going to commit yet.
I don't want to hurt him.
Anymore than I probably will.
I am just a horrible person I guess.

Also...
I don't get why he is so nice to me.
All the time.
He treats me like I'm the only person that matters.
Even when I remind him I just need friends.
He makes me feel pretty.
And special.
And good about myself.
I don't know why I hate this.
I just do.
Maybe because I've never been treated like this.
He says I deserve to be treated this way.
But I disagree.
I don't think I do.
I always hurt people.
I am selfish.
I am fat.
I am ugly.
I am stupid.
I hate myself.

I guess this is why I shouldn't keep falling.
Or anything else.
Part of me wishes I could take that night back.
Well I guess just that one part.
I am glad he stopped me from doing anything worse.
But still.
It's too much.
I know it is.
It is all I can think about.
I want to not talk to him all the time.
I want to not have him like me.
I want him to pretend I don't exist.
And I don't exactly know why.

I guess I just don't want to break his heart.
Or mine.
I've been through too much pain.
I couldn't live for anymore right now.
Why couldn't he just listen.
Why couldn't he just have pushed me away.
Why couldn't he have been an ass to me.
Kicked me out.
Let me sleep on the sofa.
Not pay for me.
Just treat me like a friend.
Ugh.

I guess I am done ranting.
For now.
I'm just all confused.
And tired.
And stressed.
It really sucks.
I just want to break down.
I'm trying really hard not to.
I'm trying to be super strong this semester.
I am not going to let things get to me.
I want to prove to myself I am better.
I want to feel amazing.
Not like today.
One day I suppose...