Bittersweet

I've decided that is my life.
Bittersweet.

One good thing happens.
And then one bad thing happens.

I guess I can't have my cake and eat it to...
Which sucks.
Cause I like cake.
Cake sounds really yummy right now.

So does sleep.

I went home this weekend to relax and sleep.
I did everything but that.
I forgot my mom doesn't let you sleep in.
Ever.
Even when she knows you haven't slept much recently.
It sucks.
But being back here alone sucks too.
And it seems to just keep getting suckier and suckier.
:(

And this boy...
I don't know anymore...
I am pretty sure I fucked it up.
I hope I didn't.
I hope it's just shit that's going on otherwise.
I like this boy.
He is really sweet.
But this weekend things seem different.
I don't know.
I never talk to him anymore.
It's weird.
It doesn't help that he is an hour behind me right now either.
But still.
Something's different.
10 digits never happen anymore.
It's sad.
It makes me sad.
I don't know how he feels about it though.
Sometimes I feel like I am talking to a stranger.
Not my best friend...

Sigh.

Maybe I rushed things...
Maybe I didn't.
Now I am going to over think.
Everything.
Fuck.
Me.

Good thing I took benedryl tonight.
So I can sleep.
I'm hitting the ground running tomorrow.
I don't have a choice.
I have to.
I guess it will be good.
Keep me busy.
Keep my mind off things.

Where is the god damn off switch for my brain.
Grr.

On a random note...
I realized lent starts Wednesday.
I've sorta not done it for the past two years.
Something tells me I need to do it this year.
So I am.
I've been thinking all day about what to give up...
Chocolate...
Cookies...
Fast food...
Processed food....
Drinking...
And then it hit me.
Maybe I should give up cussing.
I unfortunately do it a lot...
So I think that's what I might do.
And some other things too.
I feel like I should give up at least 3 things to make up for the past two years.
I can do it.
I am strong.
So it's happening...
I'll keep you posted on exactly what I decide.

For now I think I am going to sleep.
For one, I am completely bored.
And two, 8:30 is going to come really early.
And three, tomorrow is a long day.
And four...
I just don't want to think anymore.
Yep.
That's the main reason.
I need to keep this mood up.
I can't afford another break down.
Absolutely cannot.