Sooooooooooo

I don't think this boy realized how much of an impact he has had on my life.
Like seriously.

It is always the little things that matter most.
It always has been that way for me.
The little things from good morning texts.
To goofy inside jokes.
It is just the stupid little things that get me.
They can set me off.
Or make me happy.
It is udderly ridonkulous!!

And this boy...
Oh does he know what little things will make me smile.
I love it.

Like this morning.
Shit it was hard to wake up.
I just wanted to sleep.
But I got up.
I don't think it was because I had somewhere to be.
I think it was because I just wanted to talk to him.
I seriously kept checking my phone for a text.
Waiting for him to wake up.
It was ridiculous.
It is ridiculous.

How one weekend I met so many amazing people.
And a week later I spent a weekend with them.
And now I am best friends with them.
And in such little time someone has changed me.
Completely.

I realized that today.
Since the whole break up depressing thing...
I'm not going to lie.
I was pretty messed up.
It was bad.
I just wanted to make it all go away.
Erase 2 years of my life.
Completely.
Actually I didn't want to be here anymore.
I wanted anything to be happy.
To be alone.
With anyone else.
All I wanted was for him to come back.
And then I went to Wyoming for 4 days.
And met the most amazing.
Unjudgementle people ever.
It made me realize how special I am.
How much of a difference in someone's life I can make.
It was then I realized life is too short to hold onto the past.
I spent some time that weekend thinking about my ex.
I don't regret it.
It is what got me to where I am today.
Because of those people I found a reason to want to still live.
It honestly saved me at the moment.
That is when I decided I wanted to get to know them more.
So I spent the following weekend at Mesa.
I seriously wanted to kill my roommates.
So I got away.
I left Flagstaff.
I was only suppose to stay for a night.
But something inside me said no.
Stay another night.
Honestly...
Best decision ever.
If I hadn't stayed I don't think I would be as close with this boy.
Well I take that back.
I probably might be.
But it wouldn't be the same.
It was all depending on a quarter.
Kinda...
Deep down I really didn't want to go back.
I felt like I belonged.
I felt accepted.
I felt like people actually wanted to spend time with me.
Not because they had to.
But because they enjoyed my company.
It was an amazing feeling.
And the quarter said heads.
And I remember this boys words exactly...
"Pull up a couch"
Still makes me smile :)
So I stayed.
And hung out with this boy.
And when it came time for bed...
Okay at like 4 am...
When we decided sleep was important...
This boy asked for my number.
I didn't think anything of it.
I figured he was just trying to get in my pants.
Or something.
Like he was just trying to be friendly.
Eventually I went to sleep.
I didn't sleep much.
One I didn't want to sleep through my alarm.
And two, I still didn't want to leave.
But I did leave.
And a few hours later...
As I pulled back into Fagstaff...
I got a text.
From this boy.
Asking if I had made it back.
At the time I didn't think anything of it.
But thinking about it now...
It was the sweetest thing I've gotten from a guy.
Without trying to make a pass at getting with me.
He honestly cared then.
I still can't believe it.
We kept texting.
And texting.
And texting.
And then texting turned into something more.
Now this is totally random,
But honestly,
Long phone calls made me think of my ex.
And the things we used to do.
So it was hard.
But the texting turned into 10 digits.
And those 10 digits came completely naturally.
It honestly wasn't awkward like I thought it would be.
That first 10 digits we ever had made me smile so much.
To be able to sit on the phone for 2 hours.
And just talk.
Nothing really important.
Just talking.
Talking and laughing.
And smiling.
It made all the difference.
To be that comfortable with someone again.
Probably the best feeling after losing everything.
And then came Thanksgiving.
It was weird having my cousin's girlfriends there.
And me with no one after 2 years.
But thankfully I was still able to text this boy.
He made me smile.
He made it okay.
And the next day I got to see him.
And then I met his mom and sister.
Oh god embarrassing.
Not my best impression.
But this boy says they like me.
Which is good.
I don't remember much of that night.
The things I do remember are all that matter.
I remember being happy.
Not being judged.
It was nice.
It was also nice the next night.
This boy...
He came over.
It was just a few hours.
I was half dead.
But I think that night changed everything.
He might not see it...
But I do.
I finally felt free.
Free to be myself.
I laughed.
And giggled sooo much that night.
I honestly finally felt comfortable around someone again.
It was amazing.
The next few weeks were amazing.
Texting all the time.
10 digits :)
Just made the last few weeks of the semester livable.
I still remember the last day of finals for me...
It was horrible weather.
I was hoping finals would be cancelled.
They weren't.
And roads weren't so fabulous.
But I had plans that night.
I was going to hang out with my friends.
No matter what.
I was determined.
I left Flag not knowing what obstacles were on the road.
I did not want to miss seeing my friends.
I made it thankfully!
That night was sooo much fun.
Honestly...
My winter break was kind of a blur.
But the moment that I keep replaying in my head is the same.
I don't remember what night it was.
I am sure this boy does...
But it was a meat and cheese night with my parents.
I was bored.
I somehow convinced this boy and friend to come over.
That night was a slight blur...
But I remember him leaving.
We were hugging in front of my front door...
Noses pressed against each other...
Me happy...
Me comfortable...
When it happened.
And I don't regret it one bit.
I no longer care who saw.
I no longer care who sees.
Okay maybe I do...
I don't know why...
Maybe it is because I am not ready to commit.
Not ready to be with someone again.
Seriously.
Maybe it is because keeping it a secret is kinda hot.
Shittttttttttttttt....
It is really hot.
I don't know why...
Sometimes I feel like a slut...
But then I don't.
I feel loved.
I feel happy.
I feel special.
I feel like this is right.
Sometimes I feel like I deserve it.
And sometimes I really don't.
But either way I wouldn't change it.
This boy has flipped my whole world upside down.
And in an amazing way!!
I honestly never thought I would find someone to make me smile again.
I thought I would spend the rest of my life alone.
With 40 cats.
And I don't like cats.
It was bad.
But this boy...
He has made me want to live.
Make something of myself.
I am pretty sure he is the reason I have thought of grad school.
Even though I don't sleep much because of him...
He has made a very positive influence in my life.
Oh god...
I am getting emotional.
Fuck.
Fuck.
Fuck.
If it wasn't for him...
I don't think I would be this positive.
This happy.
This alive.
I am soooo thankful for this boy.
And I don't know if he knows how much he means.
He has made me find my heart again.
Something I thought I gave away and lost forever.
This boy...
He gives me butterflies.
He keeps me up at night thinking about him.
He makes me feel like I've never felt before.
And it makes me happy.
I still have a chance at a happy life.
At being with someone.
Maybe not at this moment...
But eventually.
I can honestly say I am falling for this boy.
I don't know how to say that to his face.
Because right now I am a mess realizing it.
I don't like being like this.
But I am falling for him.
I want to hold his hand.
Curl up in his arms.
Kiss him.
Feel like nothing matters but that.
I want to feel loved again.
It is an amazing feeling.
And to know I still have a chance is crazy.
And completely scary.
But everyday is better.
Everyday I think less of the guy that took everything.
Everyday I think more about this guy.
How much I smile because of him.
Hell I am smiling now thinking of him.
That is what makes life worth living.
The little things :)

And now I am done with my story.
If you are still reading this...
I love you.
And thank you.
Sometimes you just have to let it all out.
Whether it is by talking to someone.
Or blogging.
It makes all the difference.

I hope you have a wonderful Saturday evening.
I am off to the last home hockey game of the season.
Crossing my fingers we win.
Either way it will be a good game :)

<3 you all :)