I figured I'd knock my photography assignment out quickly.
And then get to play with my hermit crabs.
And relax.
And go to bed at a decent hour.
Well fuck that shit...
I should have known better.
I have been so strong for so long, it was about time for a mental break down.
I figured it would come Sunday right before my finals.
Nope.
Tonight.
While I was trying to take photos in my make-shift bed/studio.
(Which was pretty bad ass I just have to say)
My camera wasn't working right.
And then the lighting was all wrong.
My pictures were looking like total shit.
I was running out of good ideas.
It was almost midnight.
I am exhausted.
And lonely.
And apparently very stressed.
And my emotions got the best of me.
I broke down.
Hard.
Worse than 3 months ago when I got dumped on my face.
I was home alone too.
Which only made it worse.
I had a complete mental breakdown.
Collapsed on the floor kind.
Trying to find reasons to live kind.
It was bad.
I am disappointed in myself.
I was doing so well.
I hadn't in almost 6 months.
I thought I was strong.
But shit hit the fan..and well shit happens.
It sucks.
It sucks even more knowing that the one person I wanted, wants nothing to do with me.
I think that's what hurt the most.
Made it so god damn bad.
I couldn't just pick up the phone and call.
Or text.
He wouldn't answer.
He doesn't care.
That hurts.
Two years and I am just thrown away like a piece of trash.
I hate the line "I still want to be friends"
It is nothing but a bunch of bullshit!
If it was true, he would answer my questions about my truck.
He would answer my texts.
He would want to hang out with me.
He would care.
But he doesn't.
I don't mean anything to him...
There are not enough words to describe that kind of pain.
I say I am over him.
That I am better off without him.
That I don't need him.
But honestly,
It's all a lie.
And it sucks.
I think if I just keep saying it, it will eventually be the truth.
But I know it won't.
It just going to take a lot of time.
A lot.
More than 3 months.
It's hard to recover after losing everything.
Your first love.
Your money.
Your life plans.
Your best friend.
Your life.
I honestly don't know what to do with myself sometimes.
One day everything will be better.
That's all I can hope for.
Just taking everything one day at a time...
On another note...
I hate product shots.
I'm going to put mine from tonight on here.
Please don't judge.
Some I am proud of.
Others make me want to cry.
Overall, not exactly my best work.
But I'm not a studio person.
I love nature.
And the ocean.
I can't wait for spring break.
Scuba diving.
And taking pictures.
Heaven.
Don't judge.
That's all 11... suppose to have 15.
I'm telling my teacher to go fuck himself.
So over him as a professor.
Professor my ass.
I haven't learned anything in the 3 semesters I've now had him.
Just a waste of time.
It's dumb.
Makes me almost hate taking pictures.
Almost.
And if you are still reading this...
Thank you.
For putting up with my rambling.
And venting.
And retarded photos.
I swear I'll talk about something better tomorrow.
More upbeat :)
But for now I need to get some sleep.
So I can get better.
Not be so exhausted and stressed.
Tomorrow will be better :)
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