Speechless... No a Mess

I actually had ca a really good title for this...
But then I forgot.
And got on Facebook.
And a wave of emotion hit me.

WORST FEELIN' EVER!


Like completely broke down over reading 1 status...
My ex's mom's status no less...

"Dear my ex, I love you and miss you. I really wish you would talk to me. My heart is breaking this holiday season. Your brother asks about you all the time and i dont know what to tell him. :-("

Like really.........................................

WHAT KIND OF IMMATURE ASSHOLE DOUCHE BAG HEARTLESS BASTARD DID I DATE!!!!
and still care about....
Fuck.


This all would be a lot easier if I didn't care.
If I was over him.
If I could just let go

Why can't 1 thing in my life be easy.
Not some complicated mess.
Just one thing.
One thing that doesn't completely screw me over.
Life everything else.
I just want a break for once.
A break from these feelings.
A break of being so worthless.
So unwanted.
So used.
Just one day.
Is that so much to ask?

What did I do to deserve to feel like this...
Is it cause I gave everything to him?
Cause I thought he was the one?
I thought everyone was human and made mistakes...
So why do I always get the short end of the stick....
Why do I never get a break.
Why can't I just get over him and see what is right in front of me...


I feel like I always fight everything in life.
Maybe it is because I feel I don't deserve happiness?
Or him,
Or anyone...

I just don't know...


I just walked away from this for 10 minutes.
That's how bad it is...
I don't know what to do at this point.
Other than cry.
And break down.
Help.

The hardest part of all of this is learning to fall again.
How can you let yourself fall for someone after that.
Putting yourself out there...
Vulnerable to everything.
Put your heart, no life on the line.
Everything worth living for.
How do you do that after that...
I'm just so lost...

And this is total opposite of what I posted not even 24 hours ago...
It's amazing what liquid courage can do.
In a bad way sometimes.

I'm not saying what happened tonight was bad.
It was far from bad in fact.
Very far.
But it left me speechless...
Like I don't think there are words for it.
I am so scared.

I said I would never fall for someone younger again.
Ever.
But I think it's happening...

I said I would never fall for someone without a vehicle again.
Ever.
But I think it's happening...

And I am totally lost.
I am lost.
That is all there is to it.

And I don't know if tonight helped, or not...
I feel like it did...
But at the same time, once I was alone, everything came back.
I just shouldn't be left alone...

On that topic...
FUCK MY HOUSE.
ugh.

I need to move out.
And get a job.
And pay for everything in my life.
The end.

And find my legs to stand on my own again, strong.
Better than ever.
Without him.
It will happen, in time.
One day.
That's all I can hope.
One day...