Insanity

The few days week has been crazy.
Just absolutely crazy.
I have hardly slept.
It has resulted in death.
It sucks.
I just want to feel better.
Be full of energy again.
Poo.

Thank god I am getting out of this hell hole tomorrow for a few days.
There is something about Phoenix that just sucks the life out of you.
It blows.

Unfortunately...
I still need to clean my hell of a room.
And pack.

So much to do...
So little time...
Guess sleep is just a minor detail.

I am glad I am going to be getting away for a little.
I need space.
And time.
So much has happened in the past 3 months.
I am still trying to grasp it all.
I know it is all for the best.
But it is hard.
And I need to be able to move on from it all.
And it's a lot harder than I thought it was.
And this boy...
Oh this boy...
Damn him.
I don't know what to do about him.
I don't think I am ready yet.
I don't think I am strong enough yet.
I don't think 3 and a half months is enough time.
Well I know its not.
I still think about him.
I don't want to think about him.
I can't think about him.
He has moved on.
And I guess I should too.
And I am.
It's just hard.
To move on...
To just let go someone who had such an impact on your life.
Good and bad.
It's hard.
I lost all my trust for guys.
All my love.
My heart.
I don't know how to give that to someone else.
Let myself fall again.
I am too scared.
I am scared to be hurt again.
I know it will happen.
It always happens.
But I am not strong enough yet...
When I can stop doing this to myself is when I think I will be strong enough.
I have realized why I've had so many fuzzy nights lately.
It isn't good.
It needs to stop.
And it will.
January 1st.
Be prepared.
There will be a lot of change.
Good and only good change.
I am thinking of doing Weight Watchers.
I want to lose some weight.
I need to lose some weight.
I want to rub it in his face.
No, I need to do it for myself.
And only for myself.
One day I will be able to look in a mirror...
And tell myself I am actually beautiful.
I will believe people when they say it.
I won't have problems finding clothes to fit.
I will feel sexy in a swimsuit all the time.
There is going to be a lot of change.
It scares me.
There are times I don't think I will be able to do it.
But then I remember why...
Why I need to do it.
Not just a want, but a need.
It will happen.
Whether I am supported or not.
I am going to look damn sexy for spring break.
And I will feel damn sexy too!
This will happen..
So get ready.

But for now...
I need to go pack!
One obstacle at a time :)