I Guess You Can't Always Win

Because today was epic failure.
Not only was the morning a rough start.
The whole day was just a drag.
Going to swim didn't happen.
Kinda pissed about that.
But woke up not feeling so hot.
So whatever.
And then the day just dragged on and on and on and on.
It sucked.

And having a 4 hour meeting...
That just blows.
On top of having another hour meeting afterwards.
I'm so done.

I don't even have the energy to say what's going through my head.
Well that and I don't even think I could put it all in words...
That's how confused and crazy everything is.

I'm just ready for spring break.
A week of nothingness.
Ha.
Who am I kidding.
I will be getting less sleep than I do now.
But either way.
It will still be relaxing.
And a much needed vacation.

For now my vacation is sleep.
Thank god!

Interesting

That pretty much sums up my weekend.

Stuff happened that I'm not exactly proud of.
I need to find a better way to escape reality.
That was by far my worst way.
And worst idea ever.
But I can't regret it.
I hate regretting anything in life.
And it definitely got me away from reality.
And I had a really good talk with a really good friend.
It only made me 100 times closer.

I am so thankful to have amazing people in my life.

And the cherry on top...
My dad visiting me today :)
It was just what I needed.
No drama.
No craziness.
Just honest heart to heart talk with him.
I seriously love my dad to death.
He is one of the few reasons I can survive at home.
He is always so grounded.
And put together.
My dad is honestly my hero.
I don't know what I would do without him.
He is one of those people you can talk to about anything.
And he is always honest with you.
Never rude.
Never judging.
I love you dad.

And I am never taking for granted every moment I have with him.
The past 2 weeks have been hard.
But I think I am ready to hit the ground running this week.
Just 2 more weeks.
2 more weeks and it's vacation time.
A week of no technology.
No drama.
Nothing.
Just water.
Peace.
Happiness.
I cannot wait.
Because afterwards is going to be nuts!
Absolutely nuts!

I am completely scared shitless about this conference.
Deathly scared.
And I am trying not to freak about it now.
But it is all of a month away.
Kind of hard not to.
So much to still do.
Crap.

No.
No.
No.

Positive thoughts.
We are going to make this happen.
One way or another.
No more being sad.
Or depressed.
Or stressed.
Or anything.

I guess that means I need sleep.
Here comes Monday.
Whether I'm ready or not.
Joy!

Giggles.

Surprisingly that has been my mood today!
I mean I slept till 1 in the afternoon...
But still hahaha.

I was TIRED!!!
I went to bed.
And at about 2:15 in the morning my phone rang.
Gotta love drunk power hours haha.
Can't be too bad because she lived such a sheltered life.
Hahahaha.
Sorry...
It just makes me giggles.
A lot.
Wonder if I will get another call tonight.
It's round 2 apparently haha.

But I won't be sleeping anytime soon.
My roommate started laundry.
Bitch really!!!!!!!
It's after midnight.
Oh fudge nuggets.
I said a bad word.
Ugh.
These 40 days are gonna be HARD!
Haha.
Whatever.
Like I said to a friend tonight...
She is a little ditsy haha.
Not too much you can expect!

But whateverrrrrrrrrrr.
I am in a good great mood!
I don't know why.
But I am.
So I don't really want to sleep haha.

I suppose I should soon...
Nawwwwwwwwww.
I'll just sleep all day again haha.

Priorities of my life.
Eventually it will change.
Maybe.
One day...

For now.
Pinterest!
And tv.
Haha.

Fabulous.

I love being ignored all day.
Don't you?

So much for that.

I don't even have words for today.
I just want to sleep.
And pretend this is all a horrible nightmare.

I think tomorrow I might escape reality.
Fill my gas tank up.
See where I go.

Or not.
Depends on how I feel I guess.
Or if I sleep at all.

Maybe take a drive to Sedona.
Take some pictures.
Just zone out.
Forget out here.
About life.

I just want things back to the way they use to be.
And I hope that is soon...

I guess it's time to escape reality in sleep land.
Hopefully no more messed up dreams.
I need some good sleep.
I need to get out of this funk.
I need a lot of things...

Today is not my day.

And I guess tonight isn't either.
Fuck this.

I don't know what to do anymore.
It seems like everything is falling apart.
Again.

Trying to hold my head above water is not working out.
I don't know if I can do this.
It doesn't help that I can't sleep.

I woke up at 3 am.
Nightmare.
Some crazy indian was chasing me with a machete.
It woke up me.
Then it took me forever to fall back asleep.
And then I woke up about every hour.
Another stupid dream.
Well I guess nightmare...
It was about my ex.
It was horrible.
I couldn't make it go away.
I just wanted to cry.
And then when I finally forgot about all that...
My ex's and my song came on at the grocery store.
Like really!
Fuck my life.
It really sucked.

And I don't have my best friend anymore.
I don't know what's going on.
I don't want to think about it.
I know I will start to over think it.
All night long.
And then I won't sleep anymore than I barely do.
Ugh.
Fuck.

Fuck.
Fuck.
Fuck.

That is how I feel.
It can all be summed up in 1 word.
Fuck.

And I am officially giving up cussing for lent.
And I might give up boys while I'm at it....
Fuck them.
Not literally.
But whatever.
Ugh.

I have seriously taken a billion pain killers today.
I can't get this headache to go away.
I hate my life right now.

Fuck.
Fuck.
Fuck.

Thank god for girl scout cookies.
I just pigged out on them.
Do I feel any better?
Yes.
Well no.
I want to say yes.
But in reality I don't.

I think it is time to curl up in bed.
And try to not break down.
Tomorrow is another day.

Life.

Oh ain't it a bitch.
Just gotta take it one day at a time.
For every bad thing...
Something good will happen.

It's like waiting for the storm to pass.
You just have to wait it out.
And eventually the sun will come out.

And I should learn to take my own advice haha.

So glad this horrible Monday is finally over!!
Only confirms why I hate Monday's.
Nothing ever good happens haha.
Oh well.

For some reason I just got a good feeling over me.
Like all the depression.
All the problems.
All my worries just don't seem to matter.
I don't know where this feeling came from...
Okay well maybe I do...
But still.
It's a good feeling.

It's been a while since I felt like this.
Since I can honestly say I am going to bed with a smile on my face.
It's been a long week since.
A shitty week at that.
But it's over.
Time to focus on now.
The future.
The happy.

And I am going to stick to that all I can.
Won't be easy.
But after this weekend I've had enough.
I want myself back.
I am taking control of my life.
I will not let depression win anymore.
Never.
It's my way or the highway.
And for that I am proud of myself!

The next few months will be hell.
No doubt about that.
I will be tired.
Stressed.
And possibly leaning towards depressed.
But I won't let it win.
Not once!

I should eat a cookie for that.
Haha
Not!
I've eaten way too many girl scout cookies today.
It's bad.
I had no self control haha.
But I have a reasoning for it.
See lent starts in 1 day...
That means I will most likely giving up chocolate or cookies.
Or both.
So therefore I binge now.
Haha it's not called Fat Tuesday for nothing!

Speaking of lent...
Can you give up depression?
Just curious...
But I am definitely giving up cussing.
I dont care how hard it will be.
I am doing this for me!
And maybe soda.
And chocolate.
Or cookies.
Or ice cream.
Haven't decided yet.
It's hard because my birthday is during lent.
But I'll figure it out.
I always do!

Time to get on with this thing called sleep...
Something my body doesn't seem to understand.
Fabulous right?
Not.

Bittersweet

I've decided that is my life.
Bittersweet.

One good thing happens.
And then one bad thing happens.

I guess I can't have my cake and eat it to...
Which sucks.
Cause I like cake.
Cake sounds really yummy right now.

So does sleep.

I went home this weekend to relax and sleep.
I did everything but that.
I forgot my mom doesn't let you sleep in.
Ever.
Even when she knows you haven't slept much recently.
It sucks.
But being back here alone sucks too.
And it seems to just keep getting suckier and suckier.
:(

And this boy...
I don't know anymore...
I am pretty sure I fucked it up.
I hope I didn't.
I hope it's just shit that's going on otherwise.
I like this boy.
He is really sweet.
But this weekend things seem different.
I don't know.
I never talk to him anymore.
It's weird.
It doesn't help that he is an hour behind me right now either.
But still.
Something's different.
10 digits never happen anymore.
It's sad.
It makes me sad.
I don't know how he feels about it though.
Sometimes I feel like I am talking to a stranger.
Not my best friend...

Sigh.

Maybe I rushed things...
Maybe I didn't.
Now I am going to over think.
Everything.
Fuck.
Me.

Good thing I took benedryl tonight.
So I can sleep.
I'm hitting the ground running tomorrow.
I don't have a choice.
I have to.
I guess it will be good.
Keep me busy.
Keep my mind off things.

Where is the god damn off switch for my brain.
Grr.

On a random note...
I realized lent starts Wednesday.
I've sorta not done it for the past two years.
Something tells me I need to do it this year.
So I am.
I've been thinking all day about what to give up...
Chocolate...
Cookies...
Fast food...
Processed food....
Drinking...
And then it hit me.
Maybe I should give up cussing.
I unfortunately do it a lot...
So I think that's what I might do.
And some other things too.
I feel like I should give up at least 3 things to make up for the past two years.
I can do it.
I am strong.
So it's happening...
I'll keep you posted on exactly what I decide.

For now I think I am going to sleep.
For one, I am completely bored.
And two, 8:30 is going to come really early.
And three, tomorrow is a long day.
And four...
I just don't want to think anymore.
Yep.
That's the main reason.
I need to keep this mood up.
I can't afford another break down.
Absolutely cannot.

Big Mess Up

Well I am pretty sure I just screwed everything up.

God damn depression.

Just fucked everything up.
I will be surprised if this boy still wants to talk to me.

I am at a loss for words.
I just ruined everything.
Well if there was even anything there...
Fuck.
I'm not going there again.

Sorry.

It's sleep time.
Only because it seems like the best option at this point.
Maybe this all is just a nightmare.
Maybe I didn't just mess up something possibly amazing.
Maybe there is still hope...

I guess we will just have to wait and see...


And if this boy is reading this...
Can we have 10 digits Sunday night?
Thanks.

...

Also...
I'm sorry I'm not perfect.

Hell I am far from perfect.
My hair is always a mess.
My makeup is never really done.
I wear tshirts and sweats 90% of the time.
But if someone out there doesnt care.
And sees me for me.
Then please come find me.
Because I guess I just live in some fantasy.
A fantasy of finding this amazing guy who likes me for me.
Who actually wants to be with me.
I dont know...

I guess I am sick of fairy tales...
I guess I am just really sick of reality.......
Fuck.


I hate being so bipolar sometimes.
I wish I could turn off the bad.
Make it disappear.
I am ruining this boys night.
I'm sorry.
I'm the worst.
I guess I can understand why he might not like me.
I don't even deserve dirt.
Sometimes I don't think I deserve to live.

I hate reality.
I hate being bipolar.
I hate depression.
I hate alcohol.
I hate the problems it has caused for my family.


I just want to learn to love again.
I just want to be loved again.
I just want life to be simple for once...


Is that too much to ask?

I guess it is for me.

Life has never been anything but easy.

I just want to make people proud.
I just want people to be proud to know me.
To be apart of my life.
I just want people to want to spend time with me.
To want to be with me.
To just be my friend.
To not judge.
Like me for me..
Is that too much to ask?

I guess so...
I guess a happy life is too.
Maybe one day.

I am sorry love if you are reading this.
I am so sorry.
I'm sorry i got you involved in my life.
And all my issues.
You don't deserve it.
You deserve happiness.
Not problems.
I'm sorry.

I should just curl up and disappear.
Pretend I never messed up your life.
I am nothing.

And it doesn't matter what you say...
That is how I see myself.
I don't know if it will ever change.


Thank you for everything.
But I'm sorry.
I am sorry I am not this strong girl you think I am.
I'm sorry I can't ignore the bad thoughts.
I tried.
I'm sorry.

I am so sorry love.

Sometimes...

I wish I could read peoples minds...
Like this boys mind...
Ugh.

I don't get him.
I don't get him at all...
Not one bit.
Does he like me?
Does he not?...

I can't figure it out.
Zero clues...
Or hints.

Sometimes I wonder if I am just some girl...
Sometimes I think he feels the way I do...
Sometimes I just dont know.


I want this boy to come back.
I want to see him.
Talk to him face to face.
I want to know how he feels.

I just don't want to be played...
I am sick of just being some girl.
I want someone to want me.
To want me for me...

I guess I just don't deserve that...
I just don't know...

Damn this boy...
Damn him for making me fall for him.
Damn him for being such a gentleman.
Damn him for being so sweet.
Damn him...


I just wish I could read guys minds...

I hate feeling like this.
And it's not his fault...
It's me.

I'm so broken.
He tried to fix me...
I don't know...

Sigh.


I just can't wait for this boy to come home.
Maybe life will make sense...
Maybe...



Thank you best friend.
Thank you for giving me a reason to live.
Thank you for making me see the good.
Even if its only there for a little...
Thank you best friend...
Thank you.

Mountains...

They always seem to be between this boy and me.

That is the reality of things.
Literally.

I just realized this tonight.
And damn does it suck.
I just can't win.

When I'm at school there is a ton of mountains between us.
When I'm home there are mountains.
And even now there is a mountain between us.

And I'm not speaking metaphorically either.
Oh don't even get me started on those "mountains".

Maybe soon things will get easier.
Maybe my life will start lifting up...
I can hope right?

As the boy always says...
"Chin up!"

He's kinda sorta amazing.
Just saying.

After a good nights sleep last night I feel better.
I also finally got my computer back.
And this boy basically yelled at me to go home.
He called it "tough love".
Haha I call bullshit.
But he is one smart cookie.
I am pretty sure he knows me better than I know myself...
Going home was just what I needed.
A good break from school.
And my stupid roommate.
And the crap there.
Since I've been home it's been nothing but laughs.

And this boy...
Always can put a smile on my face.
He is always so strong.
I am so thankful for him.
He is my best friend.
And I absolutely cannot wait for him to come back.
I have a biggggg surprise for him.
I'm making him dinner and dessert.
And treating him to a movie.
And to an amusement park.
Damn I'm amazing.
This boy better start sucking up.
Just saying :P

Now to go focus on how I am going to kick this boy's ass when he gets back...
:)

Just Can't Win

This week has been nothing but shit.
Complete shit.
I seriously can't win.
I can't seem to catch a break just once.
It's one thing after another.
Trying to climb out of this hole is getting harder and harder.
I don't know how much longer I can keep going.
And that scares me.

I haven't been this down in a long time.
It's hard to be strong when you are all alone.
I don't know how much longer I can be strong.
Every day just seems to get worse.
And tonight was the cherry of it all.

I just wanted a break this weekend.
Even if my original plans were gone.
I just wanted to go home.
Spend some time with family.
Get away from this place.
But no.
My computer still isnt ready.
So I am still stuck in this place.
At this point I don't even think I want to drive 3 hours.
It doesnt seem worth it.
I don't think I have the energy to.
And if my computer isn't ready tomorrow morning...
I might just stay.
And sleep.
And sleep.
And sleep.
I think I need it.
I need a lot of things.

Ugh.
And on top of all this shit this week...
One of my hermit crabs died.
He was in the middle of a molt.
It really sucks.
And being in this mindset doesn't help.
I feel like a total failure.
This boy says it's not my fault.
And that I can't control nature.
But still.
It's hard to feel like I didnt fail when he is dead.

I just wanted one thing in life to go okay.
But I guess not.
Maybe one day I will catch a break.
But probably not.
The world hates me.
And right now I really hate me.

I just always feel like a failure.
No matter what I do.
I'm always failing.
I just can't ever seem to win.
Or even catch a small break.
Life just really sucks.

Just My Luck

Fuck Mondays.
Seriously they suck.

I went to bed last night happy.
Happy because I was going to make it through the week.
Why?
Because I would get to see my best friend again on thursday.
But my luck ran out.

Let me back track a little...
This weekend my best friend came to visit.
Even though it was only for one night...
It was amazing.
We went to the Grand Canyon to watch the sun rise.
The snow had other plans.
But we went anyways.
Soooooo much fun.
I didnt want them all to leave.
It was depressing.

Even more so because I realized something...
I've actually fallen for my best friend.
I know I said I never would.
But I did.
Every moment I spend with him puts me on a high.
It's amazing.
I love it.
I love how this boy has taken my broken heart.
I love that I can trust this boy.
I love that I want to be with him.
And I really miss him.
And that sucks!!

And now i won't see him for a few weeks.
I am really sad.
I wish I could see him right now.
And give him a big hug.
I think he needs it.
No...
I know he needs it.
I wish I was with him right now.
Being there to support him.
Of all people he doesn't deserve this.
No one does.
I am so sorry love.

I can't wait to see him and give him the biggest hug ever.
He has been my rock the past few months.
I don't know where I would be if he wasn't in my life.
I am so grateful to know this amazing guy.
There are not enough words to describe how I feel.
The impact he has had on my life brings tears to my eyes.
In a good way.
He makes me actually like myself.
It has been so long since i can say that.
Its a feeling that words can't describe.

I thank god every day for meeting this boy.

Problems Problems Problems

Problems.
Story of my life.

It has just been one thing after another.
It is absolutely ridonkulous!!

Let me rewind to last week...
Monday exactly...
I actually don't even feel like talking about it anymore.
I am so over it all.
Let's just say my Monday consisted of mostly drama.
With both RHA and the sorority.
It was stupid.
It pissed me off.
A lot.
It also killed my immune system being so stressed.
It completely crashed.
I woke up Tuesday with a swollen throat and feeling like shit.
By that night I had a fever.
It sucked!
I basically had a head cold mixed with the flu.
Needless to say I spent all of last week in bed.
Doing absolutely nothing!
It was nice.
But it also sucked.
I can't stand sitting around doing nothing for a week.
I got super restless.
It was bad.
But just going to 1 class killed me.
I had to come home and nap for 2 hours before I could do anything else.
I am just thankful my teachers were understanding.
I am not behind at all.
One less thing to worry about.

Oh and did I mention my computer crashed.
Again.
Like blue screen of death.
Like go fuck yourself I'm not even going to turn on dead.
It has been a week since I took it to the nerds.
They can't even get it to open in safe mode.
I'm fucked.
It's great.
Not.
At least almost everything was backed up.
So that's a relief.
And my computer is still covered by warranty.
So I can hopefully get a new hard drive for free.
And then get it fixed soon.
It's hard to do photos when you don't have your computer.
And extremely stressful.
However on a brighter note...
My mom completely agrees with me on that I just need a new computer.
She said I might be able to get a new one for graduation.
Crazy.
But good.
I really really really want a Mac.
The end.

Also....
Today is Friday.
That means tomorrow is Saturday.
And my best friend in the whole wide world is coming to see me :)
I can't wait!!!
I am sooooooooooo excited.
I seriously love this kid.
He is hilarious.
And awesome.
He already knows this.
I am pretty sure we discuss it daily.
We are that amazing.
It's great!
Did I mention how excited I am?
:)

Have a fabulous weekend y'all!!