I just want to scream.

Fucking drama.
Fucking bull shit.
Fucking done.

That pretty much sums up how I feel right now.
Completely.

Let me start from the beginning...
So tonight was interviews and picking new littles for the semester.
Seeing that I graduate in a year...
I figured I would be one of the first few to get to pick.
No.
I was the 15th person.
Why?
Because I already have a little.
No it doesn't matter that it is basically my last semester to take a little.
Or the fact that I am graduating before freshmen.
I already have a little so I get screwed.
How awesome right?
Not.
Fucking cunts.
Yes.
I said it.
Cunts.
I'm pissed.
No.
I'm fucking irritated.

It is absolutely ridiculous that a freshmen is before a senior.
Tell me how the fuck that is fair.
It's not.

I am seriously just about done with this sorority.
And their fucking bullshit.
And drama.
And cliques.
It's just stupid!

I am now going to go pig out and do nothing.
Actually I will probably start cleaning.
Otherwise I might do something stupid.
Yes.
I am that upset.

Sooooooooooo

I don't think this boy realized how much of an impact he has had on my life.
Like seriously.

It is always the little things that matter most.
It always has been that way for me.
The little things from good morning texts.
To goofy inside jokes.
It is just the stupid little things that get me.
They can set me off.
Or make me happy.
It is udderly ridonkulous!!

And this boy...
Oh does he know what little things will make me smile.
I love it.

Like this morning.
Shit it was hard to wake up.
I just wanted to sleep.
But I got up.
I don't think it was because I had somewhere to be.
I think it was because I just wanted to talk to him.
I seriously kept checking my phone for a text.
Waiting for him to wake up.
It was ridiculous.
It is ridiculous.

How one weekend I met so many amazing people.
And a week later I spent a weekend with them.
And now I am best friends with them.
And in such little time someone has changed me.
Completely.

I realized that today.
Since the whole break up depressing thing...
I'm not going to lie.
I was pretty messed up.
It was bad.
I just wanted to make it all go away.
Erase 2 years of my life.
Completely.
Actually I didn't want to be here anymore.
I wanted anything to be happy.
To be alone.
With anyone else.
All I wanted was for him to come back.
And then I went to Wyoming for 4 days.
And met the most amazing.
Unjudgementle people ever.
It made me realize how special I am.
How much of a difference in someone's life I can make.
It was then I realized life is too short to hold onto the past.
I spent some time that weekend thinking about my ex.
I don't regret it.
It is what got me to where I am today.
Because of those people I found a reason to want to still live.
It honestly saved me at the moment.
That is when I decided I wanted to get to know them more.
So I spent the following weekend at Mesa.
I seriously wanted to kill my roommates.
So I got away.
I left Flagstaff.
I was only suppose to stay for a night.
But something inside me said no.
Stay another night.
Honestly...
Best decision ever.
If I hadn't stayed I don't think I would be as close with this boy.
Well I take that back.
I probably might be.
But it wouldn't be the same.
It was all depending on a quarter.
Kinda...
Deep down I really didn't want to go back.
I felt like I belonged.
I felt accepted.
I felt like people actually wanted to spend time with me.
Not because they had to.
But because they enjoyed my company.
It was an amazing feeling.
And the quarter said heads.
And I remember this boys words exactly...
"Pull up a couch"
Still makes me smile :)
So I stayed.
And hung out with this boy.
And when it came time for bed...
Okay at like 4 am...
When we decided sleep was important...
This boy asked for my number.
I didn't think anything of it.
I figured he was just trying to get in my pants.
Or something.
Like he was just trying to be friendly.
Eventually I went to sleep.
I didn't sleep much.
One I didn't want to sleep through my alarm.
And two, I still didn't want to leave.
But I did leave.
And a few hours later...
As I pulled back into Fagstaff...
I got a text.
From this boy.
Asking if I had made it back.
At the time I didn't think anything of it.
But thinking about it now...
It was the sweetest thing I've gotten from a guy.
Without trying to make a pass at getting with me.
He honestly cared then.
I still can't believe it.
We kept texting.
And texting.
And texting.
And then texting turned into something more.
Now this is totally random,
But honestly,
Long phone calls made me think of my ex.
And the things we used to do.
So it was hard.
But the texting turned into 10 digits.
And those 10 digits came completely naturally.
It honestly wasn't awkward like I thought it would be.
That first 10 digits we ever had made me smile so much.
To be able to sit on the phone for 2 hours.
And just talk.
Nothing really important.
Just talking.
Talking and laughing.
And smiling.
It made all the difference.
To be that comfortable with someone again.
Probably the best feeling after losing everything.
And then came Thanksgiving.
It was weird having my cousin's girlfriends there.
And me with no one after 2 years.
But thankfully I was still able to text this boy.
He made me smile.
He made it okay.
And the next day I got to see him.
And then I met his mom and sister.
Oh god embarrassing.
Not my best impression.
But this boy says they like me.
Which is good.
I don't remember much of that night.
The things I do remember are all that matter.
I remember being happy.
Not being judged.
It was nice.
It was also nice the next night.
This boy...
He came over.
It was just a few hours.
I was half dead.
But I think that night changed everything.
He might not see it...
But I do.
I finally felt free.
Free to be myself.
I laughed.
And giggled sooo much that night.
I honestly finally felt comfortable around someone again.
It was amazing.
The next few weeks were amazing.
Texting all the time.
10 digits :)
Just made the last few weeks of the semester livable.
I still remember the last day of finals for me...
It was horrible weather.
I was hoping finals would be cancelled.
They weren't.
And roads weren't so fabulous.
But I had plans that night.
I was going to hang out with my friends.
No matter what.
I was determined.
I left Flag not knowing what obstacles were on the road.
I did not want to miss seeing my friends.
I made it thankfully!
That night was sooo much fun.
Honestly...
My winter break was kind of a blur.
But the moment that I keep replaying in my head is the same.
I don't remember what night it was.
I am sure this boy does...
But it was a meat and cheese night with my parents.
I was bored.
I somehow convinced this boy and friend to come over.
That night was a slight blur...
But I remember him leaving.
We were hugging in front of my front door...
Noses pressed against each other...
Me happy...
Me comfortable...
When it happened.
And I don't regret it one bit.
I no longer care who saw.
I no longer care who sees.
Okay maybe I do...
I don't know why...
Maybe it is because I am not ready to commit.
Not ready to be with someone again.
Seriously.
Maybe it is because keeping it a secret is kinda hot.
Shittttttttttttttt....
It is really hot.
I don't know why...
Sometimes I feel like a slut...
But then I don't.
I feel loved.
I feel happy.
I feel special.
I feel like this is right.
Sometimes I feel like I deserve it.
And sometimes I really don't.
But either way I wouldn't change it.
This boy has flipped my whole world upside down.
And in an amazing way!!
I honestly never thought I would find someone to make me smile again.
I thought I would spend the rest of my life alone.
With 40 cats.
And I don't like cats.
It was bad.
But this boy...
He has made me want to live.
Make something of myself.
I am pretty sure he is the reason I have thought of grad school.
Even though I don't sleep much because of him...
He has made a very positive influence in my life.
Oh god...
I am getting emotional.
Fuck.
Fuck.
Fuck.
If it wasn't for him...
I don't think I would be this positive.
This happy.
This alive.
I am soooo thankful for this boy.
And I don't know if he knows how much he means.
He has made me find my heart again.
Something I thought I gave away and lost forever.
This boy...
He gives me butterflies.
He keeps me up at night thinking about him.
He makes me feel like I've never felt before.
And it makes me happy.
I still have a chance at a happy life.
At being with someone.
Maybe not at this moment...
But eventually.
I can honestly say I am falling for this boy.
I don't know how to say that to his face.
Because right now I am a mess realizing it.
I don't like being like this.
But I am falling for him.
I want to hold his hand.
Curl up in his arms.
Kiss him.
Feel like nothing matters but that.
I want to feel loved again.
It is an amazing feeling.
And to know I still have a chance is crazy.
And completely scary.
But everyday is better.
Everyday I think less of the guy that took everything.
Everyday I think more about this guy.
How much I smile because of him.
Hell I am smiling now thinking of him.
That is what makes life worth living.
The little things :)

And now I am done with my story.
If you are still reading this...
I love you.
And thank you.
Sometimes you just have to let it all out.
Whether it is by talking to someone.
Or blogging.
It makes all the difference.

I hope you have a wonderful Saturday evening.
I am off to the last home hockey game of the season.
Crossing my fingers we win.
Either way it will be a good game :)

<3 you all :)

You know...

There is always that one person who can put the biggest smile on your face...
Make you laugh when you don't want to...
Smile like a total moron as you go to sleep?
That would be this boy.

It is amazing.
Absolutely incredible.
I can't believe this is happening...
I'm happy.
Like honestly truely happy.
It is really surprising.
I mean regardless that it is almost 3 am...
And I am about to pass out...
I am honestly happy.
This boy...
Oh god this boy...
He might not realize it,
But he has completely turned my life around.
I mean fuck...
I still don't know what I want to do with my life.
But knowing I have amazing friends 130 miles away,
Makes everything a million billion times better.
It's not the same as having them here with me.
But with a short 3 hour drive I can see them.
And I know they are always excited to see them.
And this boy...
God damn.

It is seriously incredible how a simple 30 minute skype date can make me feel.
Yes, we have absolutely dirty conversations.
And some things should never be repeated.
But he makes me feel alive.
He doesn't judge my weirdness.
Or just me being me.
He is just as goofy as me.
And I love it.
I love how similar we are.
Yet completely different.
And I absolutely love how much of a gentleman he is.
Oh my god it's amazing.
I don't know what kind of world I was living in before.
But damnnnnnnnnnnnn.
Just the way he treats me.
It's just simply amazing.
Sometimes I don't think I deserve it.
But he always says I do.
He is always there for me.
Damn him...
He scares me.
Not in a bad way.
I guess I am just not ready.
But I am.
But I'm not.
It's hard.
I wish somethings were different.
But tonight I realized I don't.
I started talking about him.
The age difference mostly...
But I just realized when I was talking about him,
I had a grin on my face.
The age doesn't matter.
The happiness does.
The money doesn't matter either.
I mean it would be nice, but not completely a deal breaker.
He is a college student.
Which means he is smart.
And eventually going to have money.
And damn it...
I'm smiling again.
And fuuuuccckkkkk.
I wish he had his own vehicle.
So he could come up here.
That would be nice.
It's hard when I go there.
I never want to leave.
It's bad.
Eventually I am not going to leave.
For real.
It won't be good.
I will probably break down.
And then not leave.
That is not good.
Well at least not for another year.
I need to finish school.
But being with him makes life seem bearable.
Which I didn't think I would feel again.
It's just amazing.
And I try not to take advantage of it.
But it's like God finally is on my side.
Maybe this was his plan all along.
Kinda shitty, but worth it I suppose.

I guess only time will tell...
For now I am going to bed.
I need to wake up in like 5 hours...
Ugh that will be fun.
Not.
At least it means he will be awake and I can talk to him again.
That always makes everything better.
Another day.
Another problem.
Another smile.
Another laugh.
Another chance at life.
:)

I miss my best friend...

Once again...
Damn this boy.
I really hate him.
(Not really)
I don't think I could ever hate him.
He is seriously the most amazing guy ever.
I've realized I am slowly falling for him.
It seriously scares me.
It also makes me smile.
Like a huge ass grin.

Ugh.

Only me...

I absolutely love how he is okay with me.
And all my problems.
And how none of it matters.
It never has.
And I don't think they ever will.
It's amazing.
He is amazing.

I really never thought I would meet such a gentleman.
And a smart one.
And a funny one.
And a baby...
Oh geez.
Maybe that is what is holding me back...
Well no.
I know it's not.
It was.
But it's whatever.
I guess it kinda has to do with him not having a vehicle.
I can't do that to myself again.
I can't.
I can't put myself through all that.
The driving.
The one always doing everything.
I guess that is kind of what is holding me back.
I can't deal with that stress.
Or the stress of anything more with friends.
Well I guess it's kinda more than friends.
Sorta...
I don't know what you would call it.
Grr.
I just know it has my mind spinning in circles.
Butterflies all in my tummy.
And a huge stupid grin on my face every time I get a text from him.
It sucks.
Okay not really.
I want it to.
I want to hate it.
But how could you hate someone as amazing as that.
Someone that completely understands.
That doesn't need me to even speak to know something is wrong.
It's crazy.
It's scary.
But it's nice.

Damn this boy....

And damn that fact that I am still losing sleep over him...
Well not in a bad way I guess.
We just still stay up way to late.
But I don't think I would change anything about it.
Just that little extra time makes all the difference.

Like this morning...
I was suppose to leave at 5.
I was still way too tired.
But I still needed to go back to Fagstaff.
But something told me to stay.
Stay for just a few more hours.
3 to be exact.
It was all I needed.
3 solid hours of being out cold.
Sleeping next to him.
Not even having to be in him arms.
Just touching his leg.
The warmth of his body.
It was all I needed to know I was going to be okay.
And to make the drive back.
I felt a million times better.
I mean I still didn't want to leave.
But I knew it would be okay.
I still wish I didn't have to.
That I could curl up in that big bed of his.
Curl up in his arms.
Feel his super hot body against mine.
Warming up my freezing cold legs and feet.
It always seems to make all my problems go away.
It's like a mini paradise.
A break from reality.
And leaving sucks.
I haven't broke down about it yet.
I am scared to.
I don't want it to go that far.
I don't want to push him away.
Scare him off.
This boy is probably the best thing that has happened to me in years.
And I don't want to lose him.

He is honestly my best friend.
I feel like I've known him for years...
Yet it has only been maybe 2 months.
It's crazy.
But absolutely amazing.

Thank you boy :)

And now I need to sleep.
I also can't type anymore.
My stupid wrist and elbow are killing me.
I guess I've said enough.
It's bed time :)

Damn this boy...

I don't know what I am going to do with this boy.
He has me all messed up...
But not in a good way.
I haven't felt this way in a long time.
Not even when I was with douche bag.
It's crazy.
But scary.
I don't know how to feel.
You would think I would be excited.
Or happy.
Which I guess in a way I am both.
But there is still that little voice in the back of my head that won't let me go.

Poop.

I hate how comfortable I am around him.
I hate how he is a total gentleman.
I hate how he always puts me first.
I hate how he can make me smile even when I don't want to.
I hate how he gives me butterflies.
I hate how there is no awkwardness.
I hate how he makes me feel.

But really... I <3 him.

I want to hate him.
I don't know why.
Maybe because I am scared of being hurt again.
I've mentally told myself to hate all guys.
To not let any in.
So I can't get hurt.
And he understands that.
Which I hate.
I want to be alone.
Well actually no I don't.
I want to be loved.
Spoiled.
Taken cared of.
Be with someone who actually cares about me.
But I am deathly scared.

I don't think it is a matter of being over my ex anymore.
Because after resent things I've seen...
I could never go back to that.
And I hate myself for not seeing him from the beginning.
I think I was just caught up in the fact of "love".
Whether it was really there or not, who knows.
Don't get me wrong.
I still care about him.
And I still hope that one day we can still be friends.
But he desperately needs to grow up.

And fuck.
Why am I talking about him.
Clearly I have a problem.
This is why I can't just let things be.
Why I have to hide this.
Ugh.
I hate myself for even saying that.
Why would you ever want to hide something that amazing.
Oh ya...
Because I'm completely fucked.
Sometimes I just want to bang my head into the wall.
Over.
And over.
And over.
And over again.

And then I think about last night.
Not like anything happened.
I wouldn't let myself.
But just the fact of the matter.
That could, one day, be happy again.
Find my heart and give it to someone else.
It's weird.
It makes me smile.
But it still scares the shit out of me!

Time.
Time is what he says.
I trust this boy.
This boy is smart.
Smart equals money.
Ha.
He is also my best friend.
He is the only one who knows about my past.
And I actually feel safe around.
And talking to about it.
It is nice.
To not be judged.
To not have to worry about it.
Things seem to be getting better.
And that makes me smile.
One day....
Just one day I will be completely better.
I will be able to completely let go of the past.
And when that day comes...
I'm going to have a god damn party!

Ya...
I'm weird.
So what.
I guess that is what makes me, well ME!

Just taking it one day at a time.
I can't promise everyday will be a good day.
But I can promise, or at least try to live with no regrets.
Life is to short.
And I've already wasted part of it.
So here's to life.
And growing up.
And being the best you can be.
With no regrets!

<3

Where did all the ice cream go...

It has been one of those days.
My diet went completely out the window.
I woke up feeling like complete shit.
And it appears the day will end that way as well.
It sucks.

I should probably just sleep.
But I have too much running through my head.
I hate this.

This boy has my head all spinning.
And I don't know if it a good thing or not.
It's nice because I think about my ex less and less.
But I am scared.
I don't think I am ready for anything more than friends.
And he is the sweetest guy ever!
A total gentleman.
Basically a complete package.
So what's wrong with me?
I just can't commit.
I guess because I know myself.
And my past.
It is probably best if I am single for now.
I know I am not completely in a good state for commitment.
I know I will cause trouble.
It is what I always do.
And it doesn't help that a guy from 2 years ago is in one of my classes.
As well as 20 beautiful men.
I need to stop thinking about boys.
This semester I need WILL focus completely on school.
I can't screw up my grades again.
I think I would die if I did.
This semester will be all about school.
No dumb boys breaking hearts.
No ex's distracting me.
No other guy to let me stray away from what matters.

I've got 2 semesters left.
I can do this.
I will get great grades again.
I want to make myself proud to be me.
I guess I want a lot.
But if you don't dream big you will never get close to what you want.
So why not!

But any who...
This boy...
Damn him.
Damn me.
I might have made a mistake.
I don't know.
It seemed right at the time.
But I don't think I should have let it get to that level.
Not yet anyways.
I am now all messed up.
What have I done...
I said I would never date my best friend again...
And I am pretty sure that this is leading to that.
Fuck.
I know I am not going to commit yet.
I don't want to hurt him.
Anymore than I probably will.
I am just a horrible person I guess.

Also...
I don't get why he is so nice to me.
All the time.
He treats me like I'm the only person that matters.
Even when I remind him I just need friends.
He makes me feel pretty.
And special.
And good about myself.
I don't know why I hate this.
I just do.
Maybe because I've never been treated like this.
He says I deserve to be treated this way.
But I disagree.
I don't think I do.
I always hurt people.
I am selfish.
I am fat.
I am ugly.
I am stupid.
I hate myself.

I guess this is why I shouldn't keep falling.
Or anything else.
Part of me wishes I could take that night back.
Well I guess just that one part.
I am glad he stopped me from doing anything worse.
But still.
It's too much.
I know it is.
It is all I can think about.
I want to not talk to him all the time.
I want to not have him like me.
I want him to pretend I don't exist.
And I don't exactly know why.

I guess I just don't want to break his heart.
Or mine.
I've been through too much pain.
I couldn't live for anymore right now.
Why couldn't he just listen.
Why couldn't he just have pushed me away.
Why couldn't he have been an ass to me.
Kicked me out.
Let me sleep on the sofa.
Not pay for me.
Just treat me like a friend.
Ugh.

I guess I am done ranting.
For now.
I'm just all confused.
And tired.
And stressed.
It really sucks.
I just want to break down.
I'm trying really hard not to.
I'm trying to be super strong this semester.
I am not going to let things get to me.
I want to prove to myself I am better.
I want to feel amazing.
Not like today.
One day I suppose...

MIA

Yes.
I know it has been about 2 weeks.
I know y'all are curious.
I know y'all are having with drawls of me.
I know a shit ton has happened since I last posted.
I know I will probably not remember it all to post now.

So here goes....


First of all...
My computer didn't have enough internal memory to edit this one photo.
So I gave my dad my computer.
And I just now have it all squared away.
Damn super large photos.
Just hot damn.

So that is really the main reason I have been MIA.

Also...
Poly.
Damnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn.

That is all I have to say.
That is where I have been the past 2 weeks.

The day after new years I picked up this boy from the airport.
And then we had dinner with my family.
WHICH HE WASHED ALL THE DISHES AFTERWARDS!
Damn could he be anymore of a gentleman.
It was nice :)
Then to poly we went...
Whereeeeeeeeeeeeeeee I stayed for 4 days straight...
I came home once.
For 30 minutes to grab clean clothes haha.
It was FUCKING AMAZING!
I really did not want to go home.
But they had to start classes...
Poo.
And my mom almost had a bitch fit over it.
Fucking stupid.
So I went home for about 2 days and went back.
It is never a boring time there.
Never!
And I love it.
Like last night.
And tomorrow night.
Always giggles.
Except tonight.
Tonight they are on a road trip to Cali.
Without me :(
Sad day.
Although originally I couldn't go.
But still.
It sucks.
I wanted to be there with this boy watch the sun rise over the water.
Just thinking about it makes me smile.
Sounds amazing.
Relaxing.
What I need right now.
And a hug from my best friend...

Ya know when you get in those moods...
Where all you want is a big ass hug and to not be alone.
Well today was one of those days.
And nothing has made it go away.
It scares me.
Weird I know.

Well I should clarify...
I am scared cause of this boy...

It's not the boy I am scared of.
He is absolutely amazing.
Super sweet.
Always a gentleman.
Always caring.
Always there for me.
Always complimenting me even when I don't want to hear it.
Pretty sure my parents love him too.
(He just needs a vehicle)
Just hearing his voice is comforting.
And that scares me.
To think I might me falling.
When I don't want to.
I mean its not a matter of not wanting to.
It's a matter of being too scared to.
I don't know how much more of me I have to give.
And potentially get thrown back in my face.
Or get torn to pieces.
I just don't think I could keep doing that.
So it scares me to feel this way.

I just don't know.

I guess only time will tell.

I mean he is basically my best friend.
He is the only person who knows my whole life.
What I've been through.
How I feel.
It just seems right in so many ways.
There are no awkward moments.
It just works.
It is nice.
It is refreshing.
That someone doesn't just "like" me for sex.
And as time passes, the whole age thing is starting to become unimportant.
I know I said I wouldn't date younger again.
And I know I'm not ready for an exclusive relationship.
But still...
I don't think there are words to describe how much of a gentleman he is.
Not just a hold the door open kind.
But total sweetheart.
Pay for my food no matter what.
Make sure I am okay and good at all times.
Just a real gentleman.
It is a good change.
It is a change I do deserve.
I was raised to deserve this.
It just feels so right.

But deep inside something is telling me to take a step back.
And every time I do...
It never seems good afterwards.
I just see things in a bad way.
I start to think about my ex.
It makes me angry.

And I am now getting sleepy.
I will continue to update maybe tomorrow.
I have to pack EVERYTHING tomorrow.
I don't want to go back to school.
Blah.