I'm on a boat!!

Okay not really.
Well not yet anyways haha.
1 day!!
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

Finally getting away from life.
Gettin' to escape reality.
Words cannot express how excited I am.
I wasn't until just now.
It all just hit me.
No computer.
No phone.
No drama.
No nothing.

OMG!
I cannot wait :)
I'm a little excited.
Can you tell?

My bags are packed.
Now I just need to be able to sleep...
Minor details haha.

This week has slowly turned around.
It started off shitty.
But after some apologies.
Things are better.
I hope they only get better.
I miss my friend.
A lot.
He doesn't realize it.
He probably won't.
But I still care.
Just givin' it time.
That's all I can do.
But I am not going to worry about it.
I've got other things to deal with.
Like all my joints hurting.
To the point I can't even walk up a flight of stairs.
Ridiculous!!
Hopefully the blood I got drawn today will give me some answers.
Crossing my fingers.

Well seeing that I have to get up early.
I think I am calling it a night.
Plus my eyes hurt.

See y'all on the flip side!
:)

Fudge Nuts

!@#$%^&*()))((&^$@!!@#$%^&*

That is how I feel right now.

Another day over.

Wasted.

Ugh.

I mean as time passes I'm learning more.

But still.

WHAT THE FUCK!??

Why.

Ignoring is not cool.

And even best friends.

Really?!

Don't do this.

Please.

No.

I am really worried about my uhh friend I guess.

I hope we are still friends at least.

I am going into stalker mode to find this kid.

We are talking tonight.

The end.

Whether he wants to or not.

He has to come home tonight.

Right?

He has classes tomorrow.

So I would think he would sleep in his own bed.

But who knows.

This weekend has been interesting from day one...

And not exactly in a good way.

I am just grateful I have other friends.

Otherwise this weekend would have sucked.

Silly life.

Always gotta be complicated.

Sigh.

Time to go eat a bagel.

Or something like that.

Pinterest perhaps.

Or find people.

Well Craptastic

Mother fucking people!
Excuse my french.
But wow.

Of all people...
I did not expect this.
Just wow.

It is one thing to blow me off.
And act like a total douche bag.
But lie too.
Wow.
Some "friend".

Hold on...
Let me restate somethings...
I understand shit happens.
Life isn't easy.
But should you let that get between you and "best friends"?
Throw away friendships?
And for what?
I just don't understand...

I'm not exactly hurt.
Hell I'm not hurt one bit.
I kind of figured it was all good to be true.
I'm just confused.
I just want to know what would make someone throw a friendship away.
An ex?
I mean really.............
Why can't I just read minds.
That would make things A LOT easier.
I really don't want to have an intervention.
But fuck.
It might just have to happen.
There are those people in your life that no matter what happens...
You still care about them.
And you still want the best for them.
And you will do anything for them.
But when they just throw it all away overnight...
It's hard to want to try and figure things out.
Especially when you are just thrown away like a piece of trash.
I know I deserve to be treated better than that!

Just poo.
But whatever.
Over it.
I'm not going to dwell on it.
Moving on.
What is done is done.

I've got real friends that still care to hang out with me.
And that's what matters :)

I hate this

I hate nights like tonight.

Nights where I can't get my mind to turn off.

I just keep thinking.

And thinking.

And thinking.

And thinking.

And over thinking EVERYTHING.

This just sucks.

I am physically exhausted.

I know I am.

I realized this afternoon I was sinking back to that bad place.

And it's not small.

I know I am falling back into depression.

And that alone sucks.

And knowing there is nothing I can do sucks even more.

I wish I could say I was past all that.

But I'm not.

I know I'm not.

When I wake up physically exhausted at 1 in the afternoon...

I know I'm not okay.

I know my limits.

I know it's never going to go away.

But I just wish for once my life would be on my side.

I hate having to take benedryl every night just so I can fall asleep for an hour.

I hate needing pain meds because I have a nonstop headache.

I hate this.

Why me.

Why.

Ugh.

It is now almost 2 am...

And I feel physically exhausted.

But I know I won't be able to sleep.

I keep trying to play the worst situations in my head.

So that whatever does happen this weekend isn't THAT bad.

It really sucks.

The whole pretending I am strong thing isn't working.

I am not as good as I use to be.

Hiding how I really feel.

I can't do this fake happiness thing.

It only seems to make me feel worse.

I was really unsure about spring break.

But as this week has gone on my thoughts have changed.

Words cannot express how I feel.

How grateful I am to spend a week with my family.

A week away from school.

A week away from friends.

A week away from drama.

A week of nothing but random strangers.

People who don't know me.

Don't know my problems.

People who know nothing.

A place to escape reality.

Pretend that everything is just fine and dandy.

I really cannot wait.

I know I will say I can't stand my parents at times.

But times like now are when I just want to hug my mom.

For her to tell me that everything will be okay.

Hug my dad and be reassured that I'm loved.

That is what I really need right now.

And that is what I will get if this weekend falls apart.

I hope it doesn't.

I really hope it doesn't.

I could use some happiness right now.

Some good laughs.

Real smiles.

Anything but how I feel now.