I'm on a boat!!

Okay not really.
Well not yet anyways haha.
1 day!!
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

Finally getting away from life.
Gettin' to escape reality.
Words cannot express how excited I am.
I wasn't until just now.
It all just hit me.
No computer.
No phone.
No drama.
No nothing.

OMG!
I cannot wait :)
I'm a little excited.
Can you tell?

My bags are packed.
Now I just need to be able to sleep...
Minor details haha.

This week has slowly turned around.
It started off shitty.
But after some apologies.
Things are better.
I hope they only get better.
I miss my friend.
A lot.
He doesn't realize it.
He probably won't.
But I still care.
Just givin' it time.
That's all I can do.
But I am not going to worry about it.
I've got other things to deal with.
Like all my joints hurting.
To the point I can't even walk up a flight of stairs.
Ridiculous!!
Hopefully the blood I got drawn today will give me some answers.
Crossing my fingers.

Well seeing that I have to get up early.
I think I am calling it a night.
Plus my eyes hurt.

See y'all on the flip side!
:)

Fudge Nuts

!@#$%^&*()))((&^$@!!@#$%^&*

That is how I feel right now.

Another day over.

Wasted.

Ugh.

I mean as time passes I'm learning more.

But still.

WHAT THE FUCK!??

Why.

Ignoring is not cool.

And even best friends.

Really?!

Don't do this.

Please.

No.

I am really worried about my uhh friend I guess.

I hope we are still friends at least.

I am going into stalker mode to find this kid.

We are talking tonight.

The end.

Whether he wants to or not.

He has to come home tonight.

Right?

He has classes tomorrow.

So I would think he would sleep in his own bed.

But who knows.

This weekend has been interesting from day one...

And not exactly in a good way.

I am just grateful I have other friends.

Otherwise this weekend would have sucked.

Silly life.

Always gotta be complicated.

Sigh.

Time to go eat a bagel.

Or something like that.

Pinterest perhaps.

Or find people.

Well Craptastic

Mother fucking people!
Excuse my french.
But wow.

Of all people...
I did not expect this.
Just wow.

It is one thing to blow me off.
And act like a total douche bag.
But lie too.
Wow.
Some "friend".

Hold on...
Let me restate somethings...
I understand shit happens.
Life isn't easy.
But should you let that get between you and "best friends"?
Throw away friendships?
And for what?
I just don't understand...

I'm not exactly hurt.
Hell I'm not hurt one bit.
I kind of figured it was all good to be true.
I'm just confused.
I just want to know what would make someone throw a friendship away.
An ex?
I mean really.............
Why can't I just read minds.
That would make things A LOT easier.
I really don't want to have an intervention.
But fuck.
It might just have to happen.
There are those people in your life that no matter what happens...
You still care about them.
And you still want the best for them.
And you will do anything for them.
But when they just throw it all away overnight...
It's hard to want to try and figure things out.
Especially when you are just thrown away like a piece of trash.
I know I deserve to be treated better than that!

Just poo.
But whatever.
Over it.
I'm not going to dwell on it.
Moving on.
What is done is done.

I've got real friends that still care to hang out with me.
And that's what matters :)

I hate this

I hate nights like tonight.

Nights where I can't get my mind to turn off.

I just keep thinking.

And thinking.

And thinking.

And thinking.

And over thinking EVERYTHING.

This just sucks.

I am physically exhausted.

I know I am.

I realized this afternoon I was sinking back to that bad place.

And it's not small.

I know I am falling back into depression.

And that alone sucks.

And knowing there is nothing I can do sucks even more.

I wish I could say I was past all that.

But I'm not.

I know I'm not.

When I wake up physically exhausted at 1 in the afternoon...

I know I'm not okay.

I know my limits.

I know it's never going to go away.

But I just wish for once my life would be on my side.

I hate having to take benedryl every night just so I can fall asleep for an hour.

I hate needing pain meds because I have a nonstop headache.

I hate this.

Why me.

Why.

Ugh.

It is now almost 2 am...

And I feel physically exhausted.

But I know I won't be able to sleep.

I keep trying to play the worst situations in my head.

So that whatever does happen this weekend isn't THAT bad.

It really sucks.

The whole pretending I am strong thing isn't working.

I am not as good as I use to be.

Hiding how I really feel.

I can't do this fake happiness thing.

It only seems to make me feel worse.

I was really unsure about spring break.

But as this week has gone on my thoughts have changed.

Words cannot express how I feel.

How grateful I am to spend a week with my family.

A week away from school.

A week away from friends.

A week away from drama.

A week of nothing but random strangers.

People who don't know me.

Don't know my problems.

People who know nothing.

A place to escape reality.

Pretend that everything is just fine and dandy.

I really cannot wait.

I know I will say I can't stand my parents at times.

But times like now are when I just want to hug my mom.

For her to tell me that everything will be okay.

Hug my dad and be reassured that I'm loved.

That is what I really need right now.

And that is what I will get if this weekend falls apart.

I hope it doesn't.

I really hope it doesn't.

I could use some happiness right now.

Some good laughs.

Real smiles.

Anything but how I feel now.

I Guess You Can't Always Win

Because today was epic failure.
Not only was the morning a rough start.
The whole day was just a drag.
Going to swim didn't happen.
Kinda pissed about that.
But woke up not feeling so hot.
So whatever.
And then the day just dragged on and on and on and on.
It sucked.

And having a 4 hour meeting...
That just blows.
On top of having another hour meeting afterwards.
I'm so done.

I don't even have the energy to say what's going through my head.
Well that and I don't even think I could put it all in words...
That's how confused and crazy everything is.

I'm just ready for spring break.
A week of nothingness.
Ha.
Who am I kidding.
I will be getting less sleep than I do now.
But either way.
It will still be relaxing.
And a much needed vacation.

For now my vacation is sleep.
Thank god!

Interesting

That pretty much sums up my weekend.

Stuff happened that I'm not exactly proud of.
I need to find a better way to escape reality.
That was by far my worst way.
And worst idea ever.
But I can't regret it.
I hate regretting anything in life.
And it definitely got me away from reality.
And I had a really good talk with a really good friend.
It only made me 100 times closer.

I am so thankful to have amazing people in my life.

And the cherry on top...
My dad visiting me today :)
It was just what I needed.
No drama.
No craziness.
Just honest heart to heart talk with him.
I seriously love my dad to death.
He is one of the few reasons I can survive at home.
He is always so grounded.
And put together.
My dad is honestly my hero.
I don't know what I would do without him.
He is one of those people you can talk to about anything.
And he is always honest with you.
Never rude.
Never judging.
I love you dad.

And I am never taking for granted every moment I have with him.
The past 2 weeks have been hard.
But I think I am ready to hit the ground running this week.
Just 2 more weeks.
2 more weeks and it's vacation time.
A week of no technology.
No drama.
Nothing.
Just water.
Peace.
Happiness.
I cannot wait.
Because afterwards is going to be nuts!
Absolutely nuts!

I am completely scared shitless about this conference.
Deathly scared.
And I am trying not to freak about it now.
But it is all of a month away.
Kind of hard not to.
So much to still do.
Crap.

No.
No.
No.

Positive thoughts.
We are going to make this happen.
One way or another.
No more being sad.
Or depressed.
Or stressed.
Or anything.

I guess that means I need sleep.
Here comes Monday.
Whether I'm ready or not.
Joy!

Giggles.

Surprisingly that has been my mood today!
I mean I slept till 1 in the afternoon...
But still hahaha.

I was TIRED!!!
I went to bed.
And at about 2:15 in the morning my phone rang.
Gotta love drunk power hours haha.
Can't be too bad because she lived such a sheltered life.
Hahahaha.
Sorry...
It just makes me giggles.
A lot.
Wonder if I will get another call tonight.
It's round 2 apparently haha.

But I won't be sleeping anytime soon.
My roommate started laundry.
Bitch really!!!!!!!
It's after midnight.
Oh fudge nuggets.
I said a bad word.
Ugh.
These 40 days are gonna be HARD!
Haha.
Whatever.
Like I said to a friend tonight...
She is a little ditsy haha.
Not too much you can expect!

But whateverrrrrrrrrrr.
I am in a good great mood!
I don't know why.
But I am.
So I don't really want to sleep haha.

I suppose I should soon...
Nawwwwwwwwww.
I'll just sleep all day again haha.

Priorities of my life.
Eventually it will change.
Maybe.
One day...

For now.
Pinterest!
And tv.
Haha.

Fabulous.

I love being ignored all day.
Don't you?

So much for that.

I don't even have words for today.
I just want to sleep.
And pretend this is all a horrible nightmare.

I think tomorrow I might escape reality.
Fill my gas tank up.
See where I go.

Or not.
Depends on how I feel I guess.
Or if I sleep at all.

Maybe take a drive to Sedona.
Take some pictures.
Just zone out.
Forget out here.
About life.

I just want things back to the way they use to be.
And I hope that is soon...

I guess it's time to escape reality in sleep land.
Hopefully no more messed up dreams.
I need some good sleep.
I need to get out of this funk.
I need a lot of things...

Today is not my day.

And I guess tonight isn't either.
Fuck this.

I don't know what to do anymore.
It seems like everything is falling apart.
Again.

Trying to hold my head above water is not working out.
I don't know if I can do this.
It doesn't help that I can't sleep.

I woke up at 3 am.
Nightmare.
Some crazy indian was chasing me with a machete.
It woke up me.
Then it took me forever to fall back asleep.
And then I woke up about every hour.
Another stupid dream.
Well I guess nightmare...
It was about my ex.
It was horrible.
I couldn't make it go away.
I just wanted to cry.
And then when I finally forgot about all that...
My ex's and my song came on at the grocery store.
Like really!
Fuck my life.
It really sucked.

And I don't have my best friend anymore.
I don't know what's going on.
I don't want to think about it.
I know I will start to over think it.
All night long.
And then I won't sleep anymore than I barely do.
Ugh.
Fuck.

Fuck.
Fuck.
Fuck.

That is how I feel.
It can all be summed up in 1 word.
Fuck.

And I am officially giving up cussing for lent.
And I might give up boys while I'm at it....
Fuck them.
Not literally.
But whatever.
Ugh.

I have seriously taken a billion pain killers today.
I can't get this headache to go away.
I hate my life right now.

Fuck.
Fuck.
Fuck.

Thank god for girl scout cookies.
I just pigged out on them.
Do I feel any better?
Yes.
Well no.
I want to say yes.
But in reality I don't.

I think it is time to curl up in bed.
And try to not break down.
Tomorrow is another day.

Life.

Oh ain't it a bitch.
Just gotta take it one day at a time.
For every bad thing...
Something good will happen.

It's like waiting for the storm to pass.
You just have to wait it out.
And eventually the sun will come out.

And I should learn to take my own advice haha.

So glad this horrible Monday is finally over!!
Only confirms why I hate Monday's.
Nothing ever good happens haha.
Oh well.

For some reason I just got a good feeling over me.
Like all the depression.
All the problems.
All my worries just don't seem to matter.
I don't know where this feeling came from...
Okay well maybe I do...
But still.
It's a good feeling.

It's been a while since I felt like this.
Since I can honestly say I am going to bed with a smile on my face.
It's been a long week since.
A shitty week at that.
But it's over.
Time to focus on now.
The future.
The happy.

And I am going to stick to that all I can.
Won't be easy.
But after this weekend I've had enough.
I want myself back.
I am taking control of my life.
I will not let depression win anymore.
Never.
It's my way or the highway.
And for that I am proud of myself!

The next few months will be hell.
No doubt about that.
I will be tired.
Stressed.
And possibly leaning towards depressed.
But I won't let it win.
Not once!

I should eat a cookie for that.
Haha
Not!
I've eaten way too many girl scout cookies today.
It's bad.
I had no self control haha.
But I have a reasoning for it.
See lent starts in 1 day...
That means I will most likely giving up chocolate or cookies.
Or both.
So therefore I binge now.
Haha it's not called Fat Tuesday for nothing!

Speaking of lent...
Can you give up depression?
Just curious...
But I am definitely giving up cussing.
I dont care how hard it will be.
I am doing this for me!
And maybe soda.
And chocolate.
Or cookies.
Or ice cream.
Haven't decided yet.
It's hard because my birthday is during lent.
But I'll figure it out.
I always do!

Time to get on with this thing called sleep...
Something my body doesn't seem to understand.
Fabulous right?
Not.